My Favorite Parts

In the beginning sequence of the movie, City of Angels, Nicolas Cage asks a little girl who has just died what her favorite part was.  She eventually answers “pajamas”.  That movie has been on my mind a lot lately for some reason, even though I haven’t seen it in years.

For several years now I’ve been practicing ‘being’ in the moment, as soon as I find myself conscious of having a moment, anyways.  I’m getting better at it.  Sure beats running around with your ass on fire and feeling cheated of all the good things you passed up on your way to somewhere else.  Moments now present themselves in the strangest or most mundane settings, which seems counter-intuitive to me, but I’ll take them wherever they show up because they open me up to small pockets of joy and contentment that I may never have participated in had I not slipped into consciousness.

I don’t know that I’m going to have an audience with an angel on my way out, so I’m thinking that I should probably put down some of my favorites before that day comes, and maybe add to the list as time goes on.

Here are some of my Favorite Parts…

• My step-daughter Ashley, brushing my hair when she was four.
• Driving my ’69 Galaxie down the canyon between Estes Park and Lyons as fast as I dared.
• The process of training my first horse, Asia, with old man Kelly as my mentor.  He was the first adult to ever offer me a beer, not to mention priceless advice and guidance on horsemanship, and the use of his gear.
• Dancing.
• My Uncle Glenn who taught me to ride a bike, swim, and use a knife correctly.  Riding  in the bucket of his loader where he worked on Saturdays.  Hunting for night crawlers with a flashlight in the alleys of Chappell, Nebraska at night after a thunderstorm.  He taught me how to use a knife correctly, how to harvest celery, and how to tell when an onion is done growing.  He always called me “Pill”, and was forever trying to stick a finger in my ear.
• My sister, Sandy, who – no matter what – has my back and believes in me.  I am incredibly blessed to have been born into the same family as she was.
• Waking up to the sound of my mom singing in the kitchen.
• Teaching my blue heeler, Bitsy, to howl, in the pickup, every night on the way home from feeding the horses when I boarded them.  She’d make her mouth into an ‘O’ and watch me very closely… and then she would try.  I think it was for a radio contest.  We didn’t enter, but I’ll never forget it.
• Swinging on a tire swing way out in the mountains in my underwear in the sunshine.
• Fishing Rifle Gap with Royce, and driving home topless.
• Camping and gathering cows on BLM land outside of Walden for a weekend with my first husband and his Uncle Red right after we got married.
• Training horses for a living with Scotty.
• Scotty’s grandparents, Ruth & Bob, and every bit of love and acceptance they’ve showered me with to this day.
• Riding my horse, Bonehead into the gravel pit on O Street in Greeley.  Was way deeper than we expected, but she learned to swim that day.
• My one-eared, short-tailed, dog-riding cat, Garlic, that Scotty’s dad found in the hay barn when she was tiny.  He had to wear gloves to bring her in the house, she was fierce.
• The first night with Eddie in our new house.
• Teaching my stepdaughter to ride.  God, I love that kid.  Even more now that she’s all grown up.
• Sunsets over the Rockies.  Always.
• Our houseboat vacation on Lake Powell with friends.
• Campfires, all of them.
• My Aunt Helen, who is the most resourceful and helpful person I’ve ever met.  She taught me to love gardening, and canning, and cooking.  Time moves slower when I’m with her, thankfully, because I want to soak up everything I can in her presence.  Her intuition has saved me from a terrible fate several times over.  I owe her big.
• The way my mama still calls me “Dolly”.
• Meeting all of my half-siblings from my dad’s first marriage.  Only then did I truly feel like I ‘belonged’.
• Every time I hear from someone who’s passed.  I have nothing to compare to the energy and the love expressed during those times.  It’s both humbling and exhilarating, and there is always a physical reaction to their presence that makes me feel 100 times more alive than at any other time.
• Riding 60 miles horseback behind 700 head of horses from Craig to Brown’s Park, CO with Megan in extremely cold weather.  I’ve never seen so many horses at one time in my life.  Very cool experience.
• Seeing two lunar eclipses from the window of a plane over huge white mountains of clouds.
• Loving Jim.  I may not have done it well and I may not have done it right, but it was the best I’ve ever loved another human being.  I don’t know if you get two shots at that kind of Love.
• Meeting Jim’s family for the first time, and loving them.
• My cousin Christy.  A soulmate of the finest kind.  We grow in parallel, we always have something big to discuss as we’re learning, and the words to pull each other through it.  I don’t know what I’d do without her.  Her support is tremendously important to me.
• Being pregnant.  For as long as it lasted, it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever been.  I loved every minute of it.
• Racing trains at CNS and Oregon Trail Speedway.  Adrenaline overload.
• Riding a running horse so fast that tears squeeze out of your eyes.
• Josh teaching me to drive a quad.  Josh teaching me to clean my rifle.  Josh talking to me about his dreams and past life memories.  Josh trusting me.
• Pepper.  Jim brought home the toughest, sick white stray cat I’d ever seen from a cell cite in Penrose, CO.  She was a mess.  Vet recommended I put her down after she tested positive for FLV, said she wouldn’t live long.  I took her home and poured over the net for natural FLV treatments, then brought her back to thriving.  She changed colors, turned into the most beautiful blue-eyed siamese tortie, and she spent 6 more years as my partner and confidant, gardening and home improvement supervisor, and friend.  I can’t wait to see her again.
• Laughing with Jenni, any time and every time.  She cracks open the part of me where pure myrth resides, and shoves the serious behind the curtain.  Any time I spent with that girl is sunshine for my soul.  Her husband Chris (who was my friend first), is one of the best, pure-hearted and generous people I know.
• Anytime I have been of service to someone, my light has shined brighter.
• The Dance with David.
• My greyhound, B.  Sweetest hound I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, who waits for me to get home and has the sweetest smile, and my heart.  What a kind companion she has been to me all these years.
• Zach, who is the most affectionate, loving, and understanding man I’ve ever met.  Thank you, Shelley.
•  Nude moonbathing, encompassing the amazing, pure feminine essence of the full moon, feeling the cool, powerful energy with my entire body and soul.
• Cheese, the Oklahoma Wildcat we found in a truckstop in Geary, Oklahoma.  He packed so much adventure into his short life, and brought such joy to the pack during a time when we were navigating some very scary circumstances.
• Food.  Oh my God, I love food.  Peppers, and sushi, and steaks, and vegetables from my garden.  Soups and bread, brie and crackers, gravy and pie and rotisserie chicken, lentils, peas off the vine, homegrown tomatoes on BLTs, pork chops and green bean casserole, green chile, carne asada tacos, boston creme pie, creme brulee, cheesecake, warm chocolate chip cookies, kale, wild blackberries, radishes, turnips…
• Orgasms!  Yay!! for finally knowing what this thing is FOR!  Only took me forever.
• Sleeping next to the man I love.
• Cooking with Zach.
• My mom’s laugh.
• All of my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews.  Our heritage, our history, our connection.
• Writing.
• Walking on the beach with my sister in the Keys.  Drinking and laughing and singing with my sister in the Keys.  Driving around in a convertible with my sister in the Keys.  BEING anywhere with my sister.  She is soul balm.
• The smell of horse, and rain, and mowed hay.
• Thunderstorms.
• Snow days.
• Owls.
• PartTime kitty, who blesses me with his presence every day, and likes me better than anyone else in the world.
• Watching my brother have fun.
• Swimming in a lake with my family.
• Sitting in a creek with a cold beer… and my family.
• Sleeping in.
• Really good books.
• Dragonflies.
• My espresso machine that loves me and wants me to be happy.
• The desert at dusk (and dawn).
• My vehicular companions; Paisley, Bloo, Bean, Snuff, & Chuck.
• Roadtrips to Indiana, Oregon, Kansas, Missouri (with Shonna), Arizona, New Mexico, Utah, Washington, and Idaho.
• Standing on top of a mountain in the Sawtooths.
• Every time I’ve seen a hawk.
• Every time I’ve cried into a horse’s mane.
• Every time I’ve loved something to tears.
• Every time a movie, or book, or story has made me feel connected.
• Every time I see my reflection in someone else’s eyes or experience, every time I connect with someone or something on a soul level, the imprint of that is never lost.

I am so incredibly blessed.

∞E

Gratitude –

I’m grateful for all the changes in my life. Not sure where I’m gonna land or how that’s gonna look, but movement is good. I’m grateful for all that work I had to do around boundaries, because it taught me to recognize when I’m not being true to myself, and how to reverse that process. I am responsible for me and my experience. I create it. No one has power over my experience unless I give that power away. MY choice.

Do not fuck with the Goddess.

The Beginning is Near

Manifest Peace.
Manifest bullies powerless and contained. Manifest a bubble for them that doesn’t allow them to harm anyone else.
Manifest criminals and politicians (and criminal politicians) into the prisons they promote and protect.

Manifest Monsanto’s products both harmless and worthless.
Manifest corporate millions into free energy, internet, and fuel for all.
Manifest each country’s resources the property of the people of that country to trade with other countries as they see fit.
Manifest gardens in every yard you see.
Manifest freedom of choice – real choice, not the illusion of choice.
Manifest education, and intelligence, and creativity.
Manifest health, hope, help, community, gratitude, team work, integrity, & honor.
Manifest clean and healthy air, food, and water.
Manifest a world that promotes and encourages creativity and ideas, instead of repressing and punishing them.
Manifest having everything you need.
Manifest feeling safe and protected.
Manifest health and wellness.
Manifest leaders with vision, honor, integrity, and compassion.
Manifest the dissolution of mega corporations that do not benefit humanity.There are so many ways we can manifest something better than what we have. If we all spent 1/2 hour a day just IMAGINING how things COULD be… if we turned off the news and did THAT instead… it would be an incredibly powerful force that no one could control, even if they tried. The Universe is obligated to respond to the popular paradigm.Let’s create a better way, let’s create a world where everyone has plenty and no one goes without what they need. ♥

My Apology

If I could say anything to the world, I would say I’m sorry. I apologize for the way the government of this country throws its weight around and runs roughshod over everything and everyone in its path. I’m sorry for the injustice that runs rampant in this land, and is perpetrated in yours. I’m sorry for the idiotic show we have every four years where the whole world watches us ‘elect’ a leader based on whatever ridiculous talking points they are allowed to argue on tv, which most of us don’t care about, and the winner of which is neither what we want, or what the world needs. I’m sorry that the corporations that start out here take their poisons, terrible business practices, and horrible working conditions to your countries because they are too cheap to pay Americans a living wage and clean up their acts like good citizens. I’m sorry you feel insulted by the bourgeois mentality that coats everything American abroad, I’m insulted by it too, embarrassed even. I’m sorry for the oppression, for the bullying, for the underhanded tactics, the lying media, the reality shows, the ‘heroes’ that are really criminals, the propaganda that tells you we hate you when we don’t, the idiots they put on tv, the uneducated jackasses that spew hate and filth at the rest of the world, the dirty cops, the inflation, the poverty that is hoisted upon the backs of the people by the politicians here who for the most part are paid by corporations to vote the way they do and don’t listen to us, no matter how much we protest, write, call or boo them in public. I know those decisions affect you too. We truly have no real representation in the government with very few exceptions. I’m sorry we’ve gotten too big for our britches here, and I’m sorry you all have had to witness what America has become, the decline in our values and integrity, the unconscious way our government acts, the way our people accept all of this without standing up for you or each other, the way we are no longer a nation of brothers, of acceptance, and honor, and Love. I apologize for what we have become. We no longer deserve the world’s respect as a free and open society, because we no longer are. I want you to know that most of what you see and hear about us in the media is lies, as I know most of what we hear about you is. I want you to know that even though the government of this country is corrupt and incorrigible, that most of the people here still have a soul, we still hurt when you hurt, we still believe that people are mostly good, and we still believe in the rights of human beings to live the way they want. We don’t agree with how the government pillages the rest of the world, we want our soldiers home and our families reunited, and we want these people to leave us alone in peace too. We don’t want these bailouts, we don’t want to support the government in their dealings with the banks, we don’t want to live under surveillance all the time, to pay out the nose for fuel or power just to live. We want to be free, we want to help the world, to keep it clean, to have healthy food for everyone, to be educated, to be compassionate, healthy, happy and creative. We are not our government, but it claims to represent us, and for how we are portrayed, I am deeply sorry. I hope that you can forgive us, and I hope we live to see a day when the current regime (of the last 60 years) has lost it’s power, our true government is restored, and we are all free from hate, bigotry, poverty, and the destruction that has come to represent the USA.
∞ Namaste

If You Want to Change the World… Love a Woman by LISA CITORE

If You Want to Change the World… Love a Woman

I just found this post on facebook and wanted to share it because it speaks to the deepest part of me.  I hope it touches you there too.  

 

When a fairly spiritual male friend of mine who had finally found and was deepening into committed relationship with his soul mate confided in me he was thinking of being single again, and in the next breath expressed his latest idea for raising consciousness worldwide, I wrote this poem.  - Lisa Citore

If you want to change the world… love a woman-really love her.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-
every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,
every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.

If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?

If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.

Old Friends

It is good to have old friends.
People who knew me in my youth, when I was a completely different person, who have witnessed my evolution, my heartache, my challenges, my successes and failures, and love me still, for who I am and who I was, as I love my memories of them and appreciate who they are becoming. I am truly blessed and grateful.

I Feel Pretty

I feel “pretty” today.

For the first time in decades maybe, that I can remember.  No special occasion.  I didn’t dress up.  I didn’t put on any makeup.  I didn’t even shower, and I don’t remember looking at my face in the mirror.  I just pulled on yesterday’s tank top and slid into a cotton hippie skirt and flip flops and started coffee.

I think it’s the skirt.  I’d say it’s been 30+ years since I wore a skirt because I wanted to, maybe longer.  My entire adult life I have kept a few skirts and dresses around for the inevitable occasion that absolutely required it, but those times have been few and far between and I can’t say I actually ever enjoyed dressing up.  I just never was that girly of a girl, I never saw the point.  But lately, just in the last few years, I’m beginning to have the experience of wanting to be a GIRL.

I’m learning to appreciate my body for its intended purpose of keeping me healthy, and moving me place to place, warning me of danger, and of filtering the environmental toxins out of my air, food and water.   The more I accept it for what it does right, the more feminine I feel.  After all, attracting and keeping a mate is important, but not as important as being strong and healthy, as being ALIVE.  I don’t hold my femininity against myself anymore, I no longer see it as a weakness.  I’m learning to embrace my womanness, and all that goes with it.  I’m keeping my toenails polished, wearing jewelry, drinking tea, reading books, writing, spending time with other wise and wonderful women, and yes, wearing dresses.  

I don’t know why it’s happening, but I kinda like it.  It’s foreign yet familiar at the same time; like the way you automatically gather your skirts up to climb stairs, or step into your shoes, you don’t even think about it, but you do it, even if you can’t remember the last time you wore a long skirt.  A few times I’ve even had the urge to curtsy, of all things – I was never taught to curtsy, ever!  Where does that come from?!

My point is, I’m becoming softer and more feminine, balancing it with my previous independent, tough girl lifestyle and attitude.  I’m more humble, more compassionate, and have more passion for life and loving, goodness, justice, and peace.  I’m happy and proud to be a woman at this point in my life, I’m enjoying the process, as surprising as it is sometimes.

PMS, for instance.  Having an excuse for a few days every month to take better care with myself, to live without the structure of a schedule, a plan, or a To Do list.  The mood swings that cause my truths to spill out unfiltered by political correctness or subservience to a social hierarchy, making certain that I don’t lose my voice, even if I only speak through my pen or keyboard.  The way I feel a teensy bit crazy sometimes, or peacefully nostalgic about the past.  The way I’m learning to trust the future, while embracing the experience of living in today’s world.  The way I allow myself to cry when I need to, even for no reason.  I no longer make mistakes, I only learn more about myself and the nature of humanity.  I’m allowing my intuition to guide me, instead of controlling my thoughts with logic and reason.  I’m learning to appreciate chaos for the change it brings.  I’m learning to accept help from my friends when it’s offered, and to be grateful for the smallest things, taking delight in micro-moments of delicious joy at the simple act of interacting with a dragonfly, or a baby, a toad, a lover, or a song.  I bathe in the light of the full moon when it suits me, and feed off the warmth of the sun on my back while I’m weeding my garden, consciously accepting the gift of its healing and working with it to grow the food that will sustain me through this year of this life.  These things are real and good and irreplaceable, and decidedly feminine in nature.  They make me feel like I truly do belong to this world, like my time here has purpose.

I have come to realize that “pretty” isn’t something defined by a picture in a magazine, or the face you see in the mirror.  Feeling pretty for me is a way of being in the world which encompasses all things feminine and all beautiful ‘in the flow’ experiences.  Had I known that putting on an old hippie skirt would draw all that together for me, I might have done it years ago, instead of clinging to an identity that clearly doesn’t fit right anymore.

It’s ok to change.  It’s ok to evolve into something more, to accept where you’ve been and let life draw you toward who you are becoming.  Change doesn’t have to be complete or excruciatingly difficult.  It’s an adjustment from doing what you’ve always done to noticing what else feels good to you and allowing yourself to move in that direction to whatever extent you feel comfortable.  The more you stretch outside your comfort zone, the easier it gets, and the more your own experience transcends the ‘reality’ outside your door, or on the news, or at your workplace.  This life is your creation.  Make it your goal to find out what makes it pop for you personally, and move toward more of that experience.  You won’t regret it.  And just for fun one day, put on a skirt and see if it makes you feel “pretty”, too.

Much love, my sisters, we got this.  (;

∞E