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I’m 43 years old this year. My life hasn’t been easy but I think I’ve done pretty well, and I continue to improve upon myself. This last year for me has been rough though… internally, relationally, and spiritually. I’ve come a long way from where I was. My inner life has improved beyond words, and the experience I’m having is what’s driving that. This is the most profound period of growth I can remember. I do fall down sometimes, but then I get back up to live and love and fight another day. Thank you for your support.

Lately I’m pretty worn out with being told what to do, how to think, and who to love. I very rarely ask for advice. If I do, it’s because I trust you enough to respect your perspective, not because I’m paralyzed without it. I’ve never handled being ‘handled’ well, or pressured to do something against my will. I don’t know about everyone else, but my heart and mind are not always on the same page. Since I’ve been navigating through this, my heart lands in a different spot every other day. I’ve given up on trying to control that, and honestly I don’t want to. I am doing my level best to be in the moment with myself and my own feelings so that I can find my own truth, grieve, heal, maintain, and move forward. I can’t be there when I’m being prodded out of my center by loving and well-meaning, but not in it friends. This situation doesn’t need fixing. There’s nothing wrong with me. I’ve just had several major life-changing events in the last year and I’m trying to find my feet again. The only way out is through.

Thank you, but I’m not looking for the next ‘man chapter’ in my life, I’m looking for ME. That was the entire point of ending the relationship I was in, to give myself space and time to grieve and deal with my demons. Doesn’t mean he wasn’t important to me, or that I didn’t/don’t love him. It took a year, it wasn’t an easy decision, I didn’t make it lightly, and I still struggle with it. I have no plans to cut him completely out of my life, that’s not who I am or who I’ve ever been, as many of you here can attest. He’s my teacher, my mirror, my friend and catalyst, in addition to being my ex and button-pusher. I cannot honor his contribution to my life and hate on him in the same breath; I choose honor. Sticking a band-aid on all of this and labeling him ‘The Problem’ is not going to help me grow. He may be an asshole sometimes, but he’s my asshole to deal with, and I’m no treat – believe me. Nobody has to like it, but it would be awesome if I could just be heard without the accompanying lecture. This ain’t my first rodeo, I’m not a fool. It is what it is, I don’t wish him any ill. I want him to be happy and fulfilled and have the kind of love he needs, the life he wants. I care about him. Trying to do this without his input is like only having one eye to see – I’ve tried it.   We’ve been through some rough shit together and he was my rock when all that went down, he dealt with the meltdowns; the fear, and the rage, and the self-loathing.  He was the whipping post when I couldn’t contain my rage, he took care of me and held the space when I lost my shit and came apart at the seams, and kept me on my feet when I wanted to quit, no one else.  So no, I won’t be taking that from him, I’m not going to shitcan the whole relationship and call it a mistake.  He deserves better than that, no matter what else he’s done or how much I’ve demonized or discredited him, no one has ever been there for me like that.  I wouldn’t have realized that if I’d listened to everyone else.  He keeps me honest.  He pisses me OFF like no one else.  He makes me smile when I crash and burn.  He matters to me.  And the problems didn’t go away when he did, so… I have more work to do {sigh}.  But his loving me through all that created the space for me to start looking at the toxic crap I’ve been repressing my whole life, so that’s what I’m working through now.  I’m owning my own shit, and it’s not pleasant, but it is necessary if I’m going to be who I want to be.  He and I are good, he’s not the enemy; I was my own enemy.  He’s no angel, and I am certainly no saint, but that relationship is sacred to me, now.

So please, if you need to project something at a friend when they’re struggling, why not the best possible outcome for everyone involved? That would help me. It’s what I’d do for you. It doesn’t have to come with conditions when you care about someone’s well-being, and you can’t know where someone is at when you’re not walking around in their shoes, what they’re afraid to tell you because it might change how you feel about them. I appreciate the prayers, I’m grateful for the thoughts, the support, the kind, loving energy. I know you have my best interests at heart, that you just want me to be ok again, and I love that about you – I’m so grateful, THANK YOU for caring!  ♥

…but I’m gonna have to do this my way, however that unfolds. Please respect that. Thanks for understanding.  ♥

∞E

My relationship with my mom since she’s passed has been morphing from one of frustration to one of inspiration in many ways. She had this quote from Charles Fillmore hanging in every single house we lived in the whole time I was growing up. He wrote this when he was 94:

“I fairly sizzle with zeal and enthusiasm and spring forth with a mighty faith to do the things that ought to be done by me.”

My mom was always moving, always doing. Whether it was cooking, sewing, painting, or building something from an idea she dreamed, she was making it happen, even if she lost interest halfway through. In retrospect it seemed almost frantic, all that busy-ness.  I think about it now and it seems like she was keeping something at bay by never standing still, distracting herself from dealing with her pain.  She didn’t have an easy life.  She rarely spoke of her hardships.  She nearly always spoke positively though, I think she knew the power of her thoughts even when she felt like giving up.

It was just the two of us most of the time, so we spent a lot of time together. As a kid I felt like she was trying to make me into someone I wasn’t, like who I was wasn’t what she expected and I was very rebellious, very defensive.  I had an incredibly negative attitude with her and she seemed an unnerving and annoying vessel of positivity and gooey Light that I didn’t want on me.  There were times when my cynicism and attitude got to her and she would finally snap. It was a powerful thing to behold, shocking even. Then sometimes she would just break down and cry at her sewing table, holding her head in her hands for an hour or more and that was even more humbling. I remember feeling like an ass on many occasions but not knowing how to express my regret and apologize. We didn’t do that.  I didn’t intend to hurt my mom’s feelings, I was just trying to hold my ground to whatever extent I felt she was encroaching on me, but I had no filter for that. I didn’t know where to draw the line.

We never talked about things like that. Negatively perceived emotions weren’t something to be felt or expressed, they were to be ridiculed or outlawed and stuffed, deep down inside behind a locked door and never fed or visited. When an unpleasant emotion escaped into the light, it would wreak havoc on the house, stir things up, run amok through the china closet, and knock us both out of orbit for a while, but then there would be this enormous sense of relief afterward and we would resume life as usual.

I’ve spent a lot of time since her passing remembering the shitty things I said and did to her and the attitude I gave her, understandably feeling terrible about it, like a horrible daughter.  That doesn’t change the fact that I was endlessly irritated by my chipper, happy, singing, beautiful, talented, pushy mom.

In light of recent events, I can see that I was mirroring her shadow for her so she could release the negativity that she was keeping in check, so she could actually feel her feelings. I still feel bad about it sometimes when a particularly shameful memory comes up, but I understand now that in the grand scheme of things we all need someone to trip our triggers. If no one ever does, we never resolve the things within us that need our attention, our presence, our acceptance and forgiveness. It’s so important to cry, to rage, to expel our toxic feelings in a safe way, by ourselves or with someone who loves you enough not to take it personally.

My mother was and is an incredibly strong and courageous soul. She was brave in ways I can’t imagine being. She made many mistakes, which is what I used to focus on (and remind her of, every chance I got), but ultimately her ‘mistakes’ lined me up for a rich experience full of events and people to navigate through and learn from, events and people that have paved the path to create the person I am, and I like who I’ve become.

I have recently come to the realization that I chose that experience – in detail and on purpose – before I came here and that she loves me enough that she willingly fulfilled her leading part in that experience to grow my soul into the amazing tree of knowledge that it now is, and it keeps on growing me. I am grateful for every minute of it. I find myself coaching my friends on how to change their thinking, I catch myself singing the lyrics to the songs she used to sing while she was working, I find myself wanting to paint this quote somewhere prominently displayed in my home, and I find myself building things I’ve only seen in my dreams.

Thank you, Mama.

He: You sound GRUMPY
Me: I AM grumpy
He: So what, you just wanted to call and yell at a male?
Me: I guess so
He: Well get after it then, I don’t have all afternoon, lady

He: That’s one of my favorite things about you; you don’t give up on people.

Blessing your food isn’t a silly ritual.

It’s an intention to your body to utilize exactly what it needs to function for your best and highest good.

It’s gratitude for the meal in front of you and honor for whatever life had to end in order for you to consume it for fuel and sustenance.

It’s being present with that knowledge, and humbled by it, and feeling blessed by it.

Chewing your food slowly (30 times a bite) ensures that you taste it and that it’s broken down well for your digestive system to process it easily.  That means less of it will be stored as fat, your organs won’t be taxed, and you’re more likely to enjoy your meal.  Try not to multitask when you’re eating, or eat in front of the tv or computer.

Eat when you’re hungry.  So many people look at their watch when you ask them if they’re hungry.  The watch has no way of knowing if you’re hungry or not.  Your body does.  Listen to it.  Besides tradition, there’s nothing that says we have to have three meals a day.  Your body will tell you when it’s time to eat and it will have a good idea of what it wants too.  Drink lots of water.  Most of us are chronically dehydrated, especially in the wintertime, and that’s mistaken for hunger.  Bless your water too.

Probably the best thing you can do for your body is eat food that’s been made with love.  The body recognizes that and integrates it, just as it integrates the anxiety and adrenaline of animals that are killed for food.  Blessing your food to your body mediates the negative and accentuates the positive for a healthier eating experience.

Oil & Water

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the center of someone’s world, but if that’s what you want, don’t choose someone with an expanded view and experience of the world and expect them to limit themselves to the space you take up in it.

I am through being anyone’s exotic pet. There are women out there who would be more than happy to play house and orbit around you and make your needs and the relationship their sole focus and source of everything – but I’m not that woman. If you don’t or can’t get that, be honest with both of us and walk away instead of trying to cram me into the ridiculous box of relationship expectations you keep dragging with you everywhere you go. Your expectation of me has no basis in my experience of reality. I have no obligation to be what you want me to be. Your ‘investment’ in me does not deed you my heart. We’re speaking different languages, coming from different places, and you trying to wrestle/manipulate me into submission is not going to give you the result you desire. I’m choosing to leave this because I know better than to beat my head against a brick wall.  I don’t need to justify my truth. 

I care about you very much.  I want you to succeed and be satisfied in life, I want you to know Love.  Please, find someone who wants the same things you want, be happy, move on. I’ll be happy for you. You’ll be happier. The reason you’re miserable is that you’re resisting the truth… just stop. It’s not personal, it just IS. Oil and water don’t mix.

Blessing you and your journey and moving on. 

Letting Go

I have to say it hit me pretty hard to hear you’re seeing someone.  I struggled with that for quite a while.  I guess a part of me is attached to the idea that someday we would try again, when I had grown enough to be the partner you needed.  I wanted to believe in that because the time I spent with you was maybe the only time in my life where I felt I was where I belonged.  Maybe a large part of my spiritual growth has been initiated due to that belief, but I wanted it for myself too and I don’t regret it, it’s all been for the greater good.  I like who I am a lot better now, I respect me and I feel satisfied with myself, which I can’t remember ever having felt before.  You told me a long time ago that whoever taught me that I was not enough just as I am did me a huge disservice and I finally believe it.  Thank You for leaving that bread crumb for me to find again.  I’ve come to know that I am ok just as I am.  I am competent, I am resourceful, I am kind, I am generous, and I am living with integrity, unfolding my own truth.  It’s the greatest work I’ve ever done, and for your contribution to that, whether you knew it or not, I am very grateful. 

I want you to know that I harbor no ill feelings toward the new woman in your life.  I truly want the best for you, I want you to have love in your life, and I want you to be happy and satisfied.  The timing of this isn’t lost on me, so I understand that this door is closed for now and you need your privacy.  I will honor that.  Know that I send you light and love every time I think of you, and I’m not hanging on any expectation for or of you.  I just love you and bless your journey. 

I’ve been the most important woman in your life for ten years; it’s awkward stepping back from that post and making room for someone else, someone I don’t know.  I miss your voice  I’m sure I’m going to miss you talking me through a roadtrip at 1am, or calling you up to tell you what cool thing happened to me today, because you’re the first person I want to share it with, because I know you’ll GET it and you’ll share it with me in a meaningful way.  My victories, my brick walls, my stumblings, you always know how to be there for me.  The out of the blue calls to check in that last for hours and always add something to our experience, and the answers that we’ve always seemed to have for each other, the music, the shared synchronicities that seem to pop up even though we’re a thousand miles apart, the wisdom we find in unexpected places.  I even miss you complaining about the traffic in Seattle.  It’s been rough going through this latest storm without you, but I’m doing it.  The karmic connections from this to the us of back then are evident, I’m doing for myself what you had to do for you at one time, and you gave me the tools to do that.  Again, Thank You.  I’m taking my life back.  I’m doing something meaningful with my time, and the ways that your words and actions are wound into that are infinite. 

You’re my best friend.  I wish you all that you want and need.  I love you. 

∞E
People, we have to stop claiming this government.

It’s not “our” government. We have absolutely no bearing or influence on the decisions they make because they’re not asking for our input.  They let us vote on little things, things that don’t necessarily matter. All of the big stuff… no vote – they just pass it. They’re not our lords or masters, they’re a bunch of overpriced hookers for a lot of parasites with $$ connections. We have to stop claiming them or claiming responsibility for them, even in jest, in sarcasm or out of habit. They don’t care about us. We have no representation. They don’t want us to know how many constituents are calling and complaining, or how they’re being asked to vote by the citizens of this country. They used to tell us what our neighbors thought. Now they just project their talking points onto the tv screen to make us think our friends and neighbors are the enemy – and a lot of us buy it, going around huffing and puffing like a bunch of self-righteous pricks about the ‘liberal media’ and the ‘religious right’ … who fucking cares? Who labeled them? The TV. Two words – Paid Actors.  So running your face (or fingers) about these labels just proves you’ve been sucked into their fantasy. What’s better about that than being addicted to The Bachelor? You’re not making a difference, you’re still wasting your precious time on something that’s staged for ratings, and you’re alienating yourself from your peers and the people you care about. How is that WINNING? Fuck those guys.

 
Quit buying what they’re selling. Talk to actual people that you know… real human beings, your co-workers, your parents, your kid’s teachers, your fb friends. Quit using their buzzwords, quit lumping people together into groups of stupid. NONE of us are completely sold on every aspect of what these ‘parties’ claim to stand for – talk to people about real shit that matters. Make a statement with your dollars. Don’t support them or their corporate interests. If you do, don’t bitch.

These people in government have traded their humanity and integrity for a portfolio and a Get out of Jail Free card, they have ZERO accountability to the the actual citizens of this country – or any other country – CLEARLY. We can’t energetically support a system that does not benefit us, it’s insanity.  Every time we acknowledge one of these lowlifes we give them power.  It has to stop.  They’re only human, and they lack integrity, honor, compassion, and true purpose.  Their only job is to separate us from what matters and collect a check.  

These people are not fit to govern my life. I denounce everything they stand for.
I govern ME. This is not MY government.

Me:  Why the sudden change of heart?

He:  I realized I might never see you again, and I wasn’t willing to risk it.

He:  “Whoever told you that you weren’t amazing just exactly the way you are did you a huge disservice.  You are more than enough.”

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