Archive for February, 2010


You know those To Do items that never wind up crossed off your list?  They’re either too complicated, too depressing or too scary to jump into and you wind up putting them off indefinitely and eventually lose the list or take off in an entirely different direction to avoid doing it before you’re ‘ready’.  I have a few of those on my list right now because I’m at a little crossroads in my life right now.  Nope, it’s a big one, maybe the biggest of my life.  See, I’m on the verge of publishing a book, my first one, and I have never done anything like this in my life.  I’m pretty ill-prepared and doing everything by braille, feeling my way through it with my gut because there’s so much I don’t know that I have to rely on my intuition to guide me.   I have been collecting support for this project for years and I have plenty of momentum built up, but a few details have caused me to balk at the edge of the River of Change.

One of those details has been the process of *STARTING A BLOG*.  You know, a piece of  that whole ‘selling yourself to an agent, publisher, the WORLD’ thing.  Big AND scary!  It’s that ‘coming out of the closet’ thing, the act that announces to the world that you’ve got something cooking and you intend to launch it on them, ready or not.  I’ve been putting it off for YEARS.  Not that I haven’t thought about it and blogged here and there, I was just afraid to go public with it.  So I did a couple of pieces on my little myspace account and left them up for my friends to read and comment on and left it at that.  Most of it was entirely too raw ( I thought) for mainstream, too personal.  The idea of writing and censoring  my feelings to gain the approval of an audience wasn’t very appealing either, so I got bored with myspace and moved on.  Until this week.

I have to say here that I’m a big fan of facebook.  I have made more amazing connections and had more beautifully executed synchronicities (meaningful coincidences) since I joined facebook than probably most of the rest of my life so far.  It’s been a wonderful ride through time, certainly a vehicle for some of my best personal growth and apparently it’s not done doing that for me.

This week I had a friend request from one of my oldest girlfriends.  We’ve known each other since first or second grade.  We’ve both had a lot of challenges to overcome and we haven’t always stayed close, but we always seem to come back around and touch base with each other again after a good growth spurt and hit if off like nothing ever happened.  I hadn’t seen her in several years but she’d been on my mind for a few months and then suddenly there she is again, out of the blue, on facebook.  We’ve been emailing notes back and forth for a couple of days now, but what she said in her 3rd one is what prompted this entry.

“I read some of your blogs on myspace.”  is what she wrote.  She doesn’t have a myspace account.  I immediately opened a new tab, googled my name and lo and behold, guess what pops up almost at the top?  My “too personal for primetime” blog posts on myspace.  I have no idea how long they’ve been out there for the whole world to see, but I’m glad that I know now, grateful that my friend put that information in my hands, because that was the catalyst for the blog you are reading right now.  I don’t know how this is done in ‘the business’ and I may have to start another one specific to the book when the time comes, but for now I am unapologetically blogging whatever comes up right here.  It may not be pretty but it will be real.

Thanks for your company on the journey… ❤

∞ E

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It’s a scientifically proven fact that when enough people consciously seek to change something, they can, through meditation or prayer affect an outcome.  In 1993, a group of people through meditation reduced the crime rate in Washington DC by 23% during an 8 week test period.
http://www.alltm.org/pages/crime-arrested.html

At the time I thought of this, I had been reading and watching some horrible things about the state of the world and of our country and I very much wanted to somehow turn the tide back to good news.  I had also received an email several times from someone who was encouraging people to stop and pray every Friday night at 7pm for the troops.  I brainstormed as many positive characteristics I could think of and wrote them in green fat sharpie on my dining room wall where I could see them just before meditating every evening.  I’m about ready to paint that wall now so my list is going to have to live here, but if anyone is interested in putting their energy into this, it can only improve our circumstances and it costs nothing.  I still try to do this every Friday night at 7pm and any other time I think to.
Here is that list.  Namaste & Thank you~

Our world is:

Loving
Safe
Abundant
Clean
Peaceful
Secure
Healthy

We, The People Are:

Powerful
Wise
Loving
Fair
Determined
Willing
Accepting
Helpful
Courageous
Faithful
Dignified
Strong
Healthy
Compassionate
Secure
Safe
Inspired
Peaceful
Honest
Insightful
Creative
Empathetic
Intuitive
Creative
Leaders
Healers
Thinkers
Teachers
Intelligent
Educated
Happy 🙂

Please join me…be blessed.

Bliss (Sexual Abuse/Trauma)

Current mood:  impressed

Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I just watched the movie Bliss, with Craig Sheffer and Sheryl Lee and I’m going to recommend it.  As a person with sexual abuse issues that I buried most of my life and just recently unearthed, this movie could have put me on the road to healing a long time ago and maybe saved me a lot of heartache and ruined relationships.

If you know it happened to you or even suspect, but are downplaying the effect it’s had on your life, please have the courage to rent this movie and begin to heal.  I’ve recently heard that 1 in 3 women has been incested or sexually abused by the time she was 18 by someone she trusted.  Someone who was supposed to keep her safe, or at least have her best interests at heart.  Someone unconscious and lost enough to steal trust and hope from a child.  It’s not easily won back.

We are women who have a need to control everything and everyone around them to feel safe.  We try to please everyone, we don’t say no in the bedroom or outside of it in our daily lives.  We feel dirty, ashamed, guilty, used, taken for granted and ugly.  We don’t feel good enough, deserving enough, pretty enough or worthy of love.  We think we have to stay busy and excel or accomplish something all the time because we’re afraid to sit still with ourselves and feel what we feel.  We’re afraid to ask for what we want because we don’t feel we deserve it.  We don’t fight fair.  We don’t feel ok alone and a lot of us are afraid of the dark.  We need constant reassurance and validation from the people closest to us or we cut ourselves off from people so we can feel safe.  We can be clingy and needy or completely disconnected from our partners and friends, all of which drives them away and destroys our relationships.  We are living a lie because we were taught by the actions of the people around us that we weren’t lovable unless we gave ourselves away.

It’s not true ladies.  Every one of us has our own light, our own contribution to give to the world and there is nothing wrong with any of us.  We may feel that way, but we had to do something to survive that absolute disconnect from what love is and should be.  We created new selves to hide behind so the pain wouldn’t be devastating.  We’re tough as hell, but it doesn’t always have to be that way.  Are you tired of feeling like you’re drowning?  Are you tired of running all the time and never getting away?  Are you exhausted from pretending to be something you’re not?  Of defending yourself from everyone who tries to get close to you?  I was.  It’s not easy.  It’s a bitch to get through and it feels like you’re being torn in two a lot of days.  But some days, when you reconnect with your true self and can laugh at some of your delusions about yourself and the world in general, it’s fantastic and it keeps getting better.  When you start to take off that mask, there’s a really awesome person in there waiting for you and she likes herself.  She’s always been there for you and she always will be.

Give it some thought.  I don’t recommend diving into this to anyone who’s currently in a depression or dealing with a major crisis because you’re going to hit some rough spots and you’re going to need some time to yourself.  When you do, make sure you have supportive friends around you and maybe a good therapist.  Mine is a godsend, she’s exactly who I asked for when I asked for help.  Go with what’s in your heart if you decide to talk to someone about it.  If it doesn’t feel right, find someone else.  You’re going to need someone who can support you in setting boundaries and working through things that don’t make sense.  You don’t want to stay stuck in this partway through, so choose carefully.  It doesn’t happen overnight.  There are a lot of good books out there to help you through things, help you start moving in a new direction and changing old habits.  There are a lot of hurdles, a lot of pain and some heartbreaking revelations about the people you know and love and it’s scary.  You will feel like a victim and you will feel rage like you’ve never felt before, but it doesn’t last forever.  Sometimes there’s nearly unbearable sadness.  It’s not pretty.  You’ll probably wake up with your eyes swollen shut from crying.  But it’s real.  You’re an adult and you can see things you couldn’t see as a child, understand things you couldn’t get your mind around back then.  And you will find your beautiful true self and she’s wonderful, believe me.  The universe will bring you what you need to heal yourself.  All you have to do is ask.  And remember, nothing you’ve been through has killed you so far, you have survived in a truly courageous way, and THIS will not be the end of you. 
It’s only the beginning. 
Namaste, my friends,
E

AfFORMations and the Law of Attraction

Current mood:  validated

Category: Life

A couple of weeks ago I was having an instant messaging conversation with a friend of mine in Oklahoma and was trying to find a link to the Secret/LOA on a video for him so he could check it out. On Youtube I found this guy who has his own website and his own concept, which he calls “AfFORMations” (www.afformations.com). His take is that when we “affirm” something to ourselves, it may or may not take, based on our beliefs about the actual possibility of that particular event or feeling happening to us. He believes that the universe is always waiting for us to ask the right questions so they can bring us the answers.
I did an exercise on this that night and it’s been really interesting. I wrote two pages of questions, phrased in his format. Here are some examples…

Why do I love and accept myself so completely?
Why do all my friends love me?
Why do I attract to me the people I am able to help?
Why do I inspire growth and self-love in myself and other people?
Why do I trust myself?
Why do I feel so peaceful?
Why did my boss change his mind about letting me work from home?
Why am I so good to myself?
Why am I so happy to go to work?
Why do I honor myself so readily?
Why is my true calling coming to me?
Why do I have all this extra time and freedom to do what I want to do?
Where is all this MONEY coming from? 🙂
Why are our leaders so honorable and trustworthy?
Why do I feel so feminine?
Why do I trust people to be good and fair?
Why am I so desirable?
How’d I get so SEXY? 😉

What appeals to me about this is
a) It’s FUN.
b) It allows you to explore “What if” without your inner critic saying, “Yeah, right!”
c) You can be as serious or as light as you want to be and the ego doesn’t have to get involved in the process.
d) As a student of Sonia Choquette, I already have trust that my guidance is out there looking for the answers I seek, so this exercise has given them something to go out and look for for me and it’s done in a way that I don’t have to concentrate on it once I’ve released the questions.

I think he’s onto something. I can already observe the answers coming to me in many forms.
I’m grateful for the validation I’m experiencing.

Blind Date

At a tiny Mexican diner in Denver, in December, eight years ago

We ordered carnitas and barbacoa then sat down with our chaperone.

I sneaked a look at you while you spoke to our mutual friend, engaging and earnest.

I listened to your voice, steady, assured, familiar.

I studied your hands and the lines on your face.

And pretended to be distracted by the tacos.

Glad I wasn’t meeting you alone.

When you did address me you appeared quite curious, intense and responsive

You looked me directly in the eye as if I were a real person with real value,

Not just a pretty face

As if who I was mattered to who you were

As if you were looking for something in me that matched something in you

And finding it

I had deliberately chosen my look for our lunch,

A blatant blend of curves, color and who cares?

In case you weren’t impressed

I hadn’t gone all out for nothing.

Except, your attention wasn’t drawn to the assets I was playing up.

And down.

There was no hint of a predatory penchant-

I knew how to be the prey

And I did not know what to do with this, it felt all wrong.

While I fumbled in my awkwardness, my nerves jangled, but you wouldn’t stop.

I joked to set myself at ease while I wondered why you’d agreed to meet me,

So oblivious to my most obvious charms.

I felt like a child with no answer when the teacher calls on him

Embarrassed and humbled by not knowing what this was

And then as if by chance, your foot barely touched mine under the formica table.

It could have been a mistake, something to excuse ones’ self for, but you didn’t.

As you held that contact, I realized that you knew.

That you could see my fear, my hope, my wounded child,

My self-loathing, my inner Goddess, my song, my soul

You understood and offered me support

So I would not lose me again.

You held me steady with your gaze until I met you at that higher place

Where we are both human.

In that moment I saw myself through your eyes

In all my lovely, imperfect wholeness.

Your soul peeked back at me and shyly asked for acceptance.

I barely nodded.

You finally cracked a smile

My heart flipped.  The armor shifted

You’re not blind.

At least not to me.

©  Erika Boyer January 28, 2009

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