Archive for January, 2011


I know no one likes to hurt.

Emotional pain is uncomfortable, overwhelming, debilitating and exhausting.  Everyone deals with it differently.  Some repress or deny, some vocalize and cry, some try to bury themselves in work or activities or other relationships, numbing themselves until the majority of it passes, or get angry and shut down emotionally.  Regardless of how you handle it, pain doesn’t just vanish.  If you don’t deal with it in a constructive manner, eventually it’s going to come back to bite you, either in your relationships or your health.

I’m no expert, but I’m no stranger to pain.  I’ve spent a lot of time and energy fending it off in various ways and I’ve come to realize that the best way for me to deal is to confront it directly.  You’re already hurting right?  It hasn’t killed you in the past, correct?  So, if you’re wallowing in doom or despair, my suggestion is to take it one step further and marinade in it.  Not forever, just for now.  Find out the real reasons for your distress by following the pain to its source.  I promise you, if you go down that rabbit hole you won’t get stuck there.  You can get out of the pool any time you want.  You can even take several short dips, whenever you’re feeling strong enough.

Many times emotional hurt manifests physically as sensation in the body.  Get comfortable wherever you are, breathe deeply and feel into your body until you find it.  Is it in the pit of your stomach, your heart, your shoulders, your head?  What does it feel like?  Does it feel like weight, static, anxiety, pressure, pain?  If it’s pain, what are its characteristics?  Is it sharp, dull, pounding?  Constant or intermittent?  Does it feel like a combination of things?  Does it feel familiar to you?  Sit with it, breathe and channel  your breath to that part of your body.  It’s a physical acknowledgment to your being that you’re consciously nurturing the part of you that’s hurting.

While you’re breathing, search your memory for another time in your life when you felt the same or a similar sense of dis-ease.  Is your current situation triggering a memory and mirroring an old emotional or physical response?  Is this response appropriate to your current situation or does it just feel like a replay of a bad dream?  If you feel like someone ‘did this TO you’, is that accurate, or did you have an expectation that they didn’t meet?  Are you taking something personal that isn’t?  If your situation triggers anxiety or fear, where does that come from?  Try and remember what’s caused you anxiety or fear in the past.  Follow the feeling to find out why it made you anxious or fearful.

At the core of the emotion is something you believe about yourself, see if you can identify it.  Do you, in your core, believe that you are unlovable, unsafe, unworthy, worthless or something else?  Go to the source of that belief.  Remember who you were as a child, as a young adult, or a partner.  Relive having your feelings negated, being humiliated, being jilted by a lover, feeling abandoned when someone you depended on left or died.  Feel into the loss, the hopelessness, the regret, the fear again with compassion for the person you were then.  Forgive yourself, then and now, for doing the wrong thing, being afraid, being helpless or weak, not knowing better, not sticking up for yourself, not knowing how to react.

We all find it easy to empathize with others, but we rarely cut ourselves any slack.  Learn to have compassion for yourself and your own tough life experiences as if you were your own friend.  Half of our problem is that we’ve judged ourselves so harshly in memory that our psyche (the culmination of all that we’ve experienced that’s held in our memory) doesn’t trust our mind to make the right choices for us.  We think that familiar sinking feeling means we’ve blown it – AGAIN – and are going to have to relive the same situation.  But oftentimes the reason we attract the same seemingly habitual, painful experiences is because we’re not yet aware of what in US needs to be seen, heard, and acknowledged and sometimes accepted or forgiven.  Once that work is done, the psyche can release the need to keep re-experiencing those patterns.

We don’t have the power to change the past, but we can learn from it and move into a better experience by releasing old pain.  It’s well worth the time and effort.  If you’re already feeling hurt, you owe it to your future to find out why.  Empathize with that child you were, or the wife or son or daughter you were.  Forgive the people and circumstances that caused that pain if you can, but definitely forgive YOURSELF.  No one has all the answers.  We’re all here clumsily making our way through life and its myriad of curve balls.  We’re here to make mistakes, it’s all part of the process.  Cry it out, talk it out (even to yourself), write it out, and BE KIND to yourself in the process.  When you get out of the pool, you’ll have discharged a lot of residual negative emotion, you’ll feel calmer, and you’ll have a new respect for yourself and how far you’ve come.

To your Future with Love,

∞E

Advertisements

Honestly Ok

i just want to feel safe in my own skin
i just want to be happy again
i just want to feel deep in my own world
but im so lonely i dont even want to be with myself anymore
on a different day
if i was safe in my own skin
then i wouldn’t feel lost and so frightened
but this is today and im lost in my own skin
and im so lonely i dont even want to be with myself anymore
i just want to feel safe in my own skin
i just want to be happy again

%d bloggers like this: