Category: Gratitude


∞  I went on a second first date last week with a boy I dated 17 years ago.  I ran into him at the county fair, it was the 2nd time this year and he asked me out again.  It took awhile to figure out what we were going to do on our outing, but we finally decided to go for a drive and that turned into lunch in a small mountain town about 3 hours away.  As soon as we cemented the plans I got pretty nervous and told him so.  I got back a text that said, “Sweet dreams, don’t worry about Monday.”  I did anyway.  6 hours in a car is a long time to spend with someone you haven’t seen in 17 years.  What would we talk about for that long?  I was glad we’d be driving, at least we’d have something to look at instead of staring at each other over a table in a restaurant somewhere trying to figure out what to say.  As it turned out he was right, I needn’t have worried.

I got up early and took a shower, did my chores and headed out to meet him.  Gorgeous day, little overcast.  Drove right to his place without a problem.  We decided to take my car (because it’s cool), and I let him drive (because he’s the man).  First thing he did was top off the tank.  Thumbs up.  We tried to find a Starbucks because I didn’t sleep much the night before but we didn’t see one so we kept going.  The conversation up the canyon was good; cars, racing, relationships, marriage, experience, a few spiritual experiences shared.  I noticed he smiles alot and his eyes smile too.  He’s compassionate and kind and he has wonderful laugh lines.  I like looking at him.  He listened to me and I felt like he heard me too, because he asked questions and empathized with what I was expressing.  Couldn’t believe how fast we got there.   Halfway up the canyon it was absolutely beautiful, big blue sky, warm, perfect.  Had a nice lunch in a cool cafe on the Main street in town.  More good conversation over lunch. I noticed I wasn’t nervous anymore.   After lunch we took a walk through town and looked at some antiques and for once I didn’t feel rushed.  I’m pretty sure he enjoyed it as much as I did.  Stopped in a convenience store with a gift shop and looked at some moose pajamas while he was looking for a real estate book.  He caught me looking and bought me a shirt (unexpected warm fuzzy), for experimental purposes {inside joke}.  Drove out of town talking and taking pictures and he thanked me.  Thanked me.  For the day, and the company, and the therapy of driving a really fun car in the mountains.  Gratitude.  I was touched.

We stopped at a rest stop and took some pictures and then stopped again at a lake down the road.  We walked down to the water and I took my shoes off and stood on the sharp rocks enjoying the cool.  Took a few ‘hippie” pictures of driftwood and wildflowers and he took some of the lake.  I told him I wanted to take home a rock to commemorate the day.  He helped me look and he found a good one.  Said it was our ‘friendship rock’ and gave me a squeeze.  I liked that a lot, the rock AND the squeeze. More warm fuzzies.

Got back in Paisley and drove down the mountain.  I don’t know that Paisley has ever enjoyed herself more, he drove her really well for someone who doesn’t drive ‘Mustakes’.  He liked her too and was surprised that she handles so well.  Got back to his place late afternoon and helped him hook up a printer and update some drivers on his machine.  Met his dad.  Spent some time out in the yard talking and he thanked me again for being there, then he took me to dinner at a really nifty bbq place in town and we had a beer.

After dinner he didn’t want to go home yet so we drove around and checked out the farm, the fields they farm, the house he’s thinking of renting, their shop, several houses he used to live in.  I told him I’d like a sunflower out of one of those fields.  He got right out and picked me one (extra points).  Brought it back to the car, set it in my lap.  It was gorgeous.  He said when that one wears out he’ll get me another.  We drove on.  Turned up one road and I couldn’t believe it.  I had stopped there the week before and taken pictures of that very same field of sunflowers.  His sunflowers.  He said, “See, we’re more connected that you think.”  Heart flipped and my eyes opened wide.  He speaks my language too.  Now he’s got my full attention.

Down the road from there was a house he thought I’d recognize and I did.  It was the house he lived in when I went out with him the first time.  Went there to watch movies, drink beer and eat pizza 17 years ago.  He’d  told me to bring my roommate so she could keep his roommate company.  I did.  They’ve been married 15 years last week.  I remember what I was wearing that night.  Surreal.

He stopped at a lake.  It’s the lake Bruce Willis drove his snowmobile into in Die Hard.  Apparently they never recovered it.  He said “I thought we’d take a walk around the lake, maybe”.  Shock and awe.  Who IS this guy?!  The moon was full.  He walked off for a minute and I sat there staring at the sky wondering how this date could get any better.  We stood at the edge of the water and tried to get some shots of the lights across the way on the lake but it didn’t work.  We walked for a while, the brush got deep so we came back and sat on a picnic table near the water.  I rubbed his shoulders a little while and then he pointed out something white out on the lake.  It was a swan moving around out there.  Too cool.  Swans symbolize self-transformation, creativity, intuition, sensitivity, love, purity, chance, beauty, longevity, grace, harmony, loyalty, the soul.  They mate for life.

Mosquitoes were eating him so we left.  Came to a turnoff with a grain elevator on the corner.  He asked me if I remembered that place and it felt really familiar but I couldn’t figure out why.  He said I spent a day with him once delivering barley there in a truck.  Still don’t remember that but it feels true and he knew what I was wearing… excellent memory.

We got back to his place around 10:00.  I told him thank you for the incredible day and told him the sunflower and rock were gonna be hard to beat.  He laughed.  He invited me in to watch a movie.  Went upstairs and laid side by side on the bed, holding hands and made it through a good half of Ghost Rider.  I was sleepy and happy and content and could have fallen asleep right there, but I didn’t.  At some point this man began to slowly and lightly caress my jaw line, my face, my hair, my neck, my mouth with his free hand.  I can’t remember ever being touched that way, at least not for long enough to notice.  Whatever wasn’t melted by the other events of the day didn’t waste any time softening up.  I was awestruck by how good it felt to be touched that way.  It made my breath shallow,  made me completely unaware of anything else but the way his fingers felt tracing my skin.  I was afraid to move for fear he would stop.  When I finally did, I glanced up at him and he was watching me.  Don’t know for how long, he surprised me and I looked away.  He didn’t.  He looked me right in the eyes for the longest time and then he kissed me, really kissed me,  took my face in both hands and kissed me deeply, like he meant it.  That was maybe the best kiss ever.  And when he did it all came back, I remembered kissing him before, all those years ago, his taste, his sweet smell, like earth and fire and sunflowers and I wished I could remember why I ever stopped kissing him.

I don’t know how much divine planning went into last Monday.  I don’t know which stars lined up just right, not sure why Mercury took that day off his retrograde pattern and I don’t know who to thank, specifically, for everything that happened so organically, but I can tell you for certain that I will never forget it.  There were more ‘moments’ in that one day for me than I can recall over the last several years put together and I’m profoundly grateful for the experience.  That day fed my soul like no other and on too many levels to count.  It was the mirror of my ideal day, I just didn’t know it til it happened.

To my date – Thank You-  from the bottom of my heart for giving me back my sense of value, wonder and appreciation for all that is good in the world, including myself and you.  Thank you for making me feel young and alive and desirable.  You have no idea what you’ve unlocked in me. You’ll be remembered fondly for the rest of my life for your part in this.  I couldn’t have custom ordered a better first date.

Namaste,  my friend, and thank you for the rock  ∞ E

There’s always some good in every situation. Look beyond the madness and trust that there’s a good reason for whatever is happening in your life (even though it sucks right now). You may not know what it is immediately (or then again you might) but if you trust that the universe has your best interests at heart, it’ll make your troubles easier to deal with and you’ll start expecting the good everywhere. When that happens, life only brings you good things.

Ultimate Contentment

Today wasn’t a special day. Nothing outstanding happened, there were no dramatic highlights, no huge insights. It was cool and overcast, a perfect day for green chile. I roasted the peppers last night, man, they smelled good on the grill. I got up and went through the rounds, fed the horses, checked the garden, washed the dishes, checked emails. I called my mom and we talked for an hour, spent some time on the phone with a boy that I like, getting to know him, called my girlfriend and got caught up on her life. I made a pot of green chile while the wind was blowing a storm in and watched my trees through the kitchen window. Fed my roommate huevos rancheros for dinner and then my cat and I went out to feed the ponies and check on the garden again. While I was standing in the garden the sunset broke through the clouds and colored the whole sky in pink and e and salmon. My cat was sitting in the weeds, the garden was thriving, my horses contentedly munching hay, my gorgeous green Mustang was parked in front of my house and we were all bathed in the most beautiful light for just a moment and I felt so incredibly peaceful and fulfilled and happy to be alive, right now, today. It was like time stood still and I realized that everything is exactly as it should be, at any given moment, if you just stop moving and acknowledge it.

There are days that are marked by profound contentment, where all the colors of your life run together and you see it as a perfect work of art, your own small chunk of the universe where everything blends beautifully and mirrors back at you and it is good. Today was one of those days. ♥

I’m actually grateful that this one was taken out of my hands.

As much as I’d like to control the outcome, prove the intent behind my actions, make a smooth transition in the lobby for friendship in lieu of romantic attachment, this is the way it needed to be. My meddling in my own mess would only serve to complicate and ficklize (that should be a word) the process of healing that has already begun.

I love him. I will always love him. I’m grateful for the wonderful time we had together, the experience of feeling cherished and the magnitude of what I learned about myself from knowing him. The fact that I can’t see him as my life partner doesn’t change any of that. Whether he accepts or rejects my friendship doesn’t change it. He’s still a beautiful, kind, gentle, funny and loving, – major – step in my evolution and will always hold a piece of my heart.

Goodbye, sweet B. May the sun always shine on your journey and thank you for loving me the best way you knew how.

∞ E

I’ve known Money for a long time.  I met him when I was quite young and impressionable.  He promised me freedom and independence and contentment if I would just work hard at being with him.  I spent all of my summers putting in long hours just for a chance to spend time with him (interesting play on those words, don’t you think?), he would show up and then leave just as quickly.  I had an impeccable record, worked lots of overtime, gave them my best, never missed work, hardly even took the vacation time I earned because I never knew if Money was going to be around long enough to enjoy it.  Sometimes it would pay off and we could enjoy some time together before he would leave me again, but then I’d have to work extra hard to get him back.  Money chooses the kinds of jobs I can do too, he insists that I have a ‘real’ job most of the time, one that pays better but expects me to be completely submissive and unfulfilled while I’m there.  He seems to like it twice as much if I have a nagging, jealous or monitoring boss and if there are other people there just taking up space and oxygen for their paychecks.  He loves it when I go home and work after hours late into the night for him too.  When I’m not working, he loves to scare me about losing my house and not having insurance.  He doesn’t want me to be creative and happy, he wants me to be stuck and afraid so he can manipulate me.  It’s like he enjoys torturing me.

I see him with other women all the time.  ALL the time, out shopping for clothes and shoes, having dinner with friends, or partying on a pontoon boat in Breckenridge all weekend.  He acts like I’m not even there, never acknowledges me when I notice.  He flirts with them and tells them how nice they look and how much they deserve him, he seems to always be wrapped around their fingers, listening intently to their desires, no matter how common or exorbitant, and then seemingly snaps his fingers and makes it happen for them.  The time he and I spend together doesn’t look like that at all, in fact, just the opposite.  If I consider going out of town for a weekend, having dinner with a friend, or going to a movie or the track, he threatens to LEAVE me.  He goes as far as following me through the grocery store asking me, “Do you really need THAT?!  Come on now…”  He’s judgmental and cruel too.  When we get a chance to go shopping together for me, he says nasty things like, “Why don’t you wait and buy that later, after you lose some weight….  Oh THAT’S right, you’re never GOING to lose that weight, are you?!”  His remarks are like acid to me, eating away at my self-esteem.  He’s constantly watching the fuel gauge on my car telling me that I could save 45 bucks if I’d just stay home and call my girlfriend instead of driving up to see her for the afternoon.  Long ago we stopped going out for coffee unless it’s a special occasion because it’s so wasteful.  He’s stingy and controlling.  When I do buy something for myself, he looks down on me and makes me feel selfish and irresponsible.  He’s happy when he can make me feel vulnerable and not quite sure of myself.  It keeps me loyally working for him so he can go out and spoil someone else while I’m at work banging my head against the wall.

Money’s friends are, let me put it bluntly, assholes.  Well, he thinks they’re friends, but really they’re just associates, and they’re criminals.  All they’re doing is using each other to get what they want.  They plot together to make terrible things happen.  They start wars with no reasons, and create  ‘natural’ disasters that kill and injure thousands of people.  They taunt humanity and gain their trust and then pull the rug out from under them and LAUGH!  They cause desperation and then punish people for it.  They take away jobs and security, they poison oceans and sea life, they kill honey bees, and ruin farmland.  They sell things that aren’t theirs to sell, hike the prices up and then kill the people they stole it from.  They’re destructive, calculating, cold liars.  They laugh at us as we struggle.  We only want to have enough of what we need and some PEACE and good health so we can enjoy our lives without worrying, but that apparently is too much to ask.  They don’t care about us at all. For some reason Money doesn’t see that as a problem, he’s complicit.  I can’t love someone like that, he represents everything I hate about society.

The worst part is he’s not even my type.  He’s short and wiry, arrogant, cynical and rude.  He doesn’t care about people or their circumstances, has no sympathy, isn’t interested in making the world a better place, he seemingly has no heart.  He has a sharp tongue and is not afraid to use it and shows no remorse when he does.  No matter how deep his comments cut me, I have to get over it myself because I need HIM, not the other way around.  He holds me hostage and I resent him for it.  When I’m around him, instead of feeling loved, safe and protected, I feel big and clumsy, desperate and embarrassing to him.    He’s like that arrogant jock in high school who is so taken with himself that he walks around snubbing all but the most popular girls.  He’s all about the show.  All talk and no substance and more worthless by the day which makes him all the more hard to stomach.  He’s a bully. I don’t care for him and clearly he’s not concerned with my outcome, I should end this.

It’s been interesting not working for the last several months.  I’m still not quite sure why I’m not freaking out, except that when I was laid off it really felt like a peace offering from the universe and I chose at that time not to doubt that feeling.

I keep thinking it should be harder, that I should be wigging out, scouring job postings every day, bugging the heck out of my contacts in the field I used to work in, but I haven’t.  I’m choosing to see this as progress because the last time I was in this position I really was freaking out.  I spent 10 months looking for work and barely accomplished anything for myself during that entire time.  I’ve always regretted that, a big opportunity lost.

I’m also noticing that there are a lot of folks in the same boat.  People who have worked hard, been efficient little time managers and model employees for years are now suddenly finding themselves without a place to earn a paycheck and they’re not complaining.  It’s like we collectively decided that it was ok to take a break and breathe. We’re taking this time to assess our situations, explore our options and move in a direction that moves us.  FINALLY.  I’m seeing and hearing about people starting up businesses, taking dream vacations, moving overseas, going back to school, publishing books…it’s amazing to see the creativity in their choices.  It’s like instead of fearing this change, a wave of us are learning to embrace it and paving the way for more people to follow their hearts into the great unknown and find out who they came here to be.  I’m really proud of us.  We have a very ‘team’ thing going on here, in addition to the creative individuality we’re suddenly comfortable exposing.

Most of all though, I’m grateful that it’s been so easy to slide into this state of being, and that most of the time I’m coming from this place of ‘nothing’s the matter’, without the panic and fear that usually accompanies losing your source of income, your work identity, and your sense of stability.  I’m looking forward to seeing what’s around the bend and learning to appreciate the nuances of timing.  I’m  anticipating events with pleasure again, and finding joy in tiny things that I was too busy to notice before.  I talk to myself a lot, but I’m in the process of becoming my own best friend so that’s to be expected.  I’m not afraid of the future anymore and I’m taking care of myself for the first time in my life.  I’m trusting that the Universe knows what it’s doing and I’ll be the 2nd to know.

Bless us

E

One of my strongest desires is to help people (and animals) who are hurt or struggling.

I’m a fairly resourceful girl, a Virgo with some decent analytical skills {ha!}.  I’ve done a lot of research and experimentation with what I’ve learned, a lot of work on myself, a lot of healing, with and without the aid of other folks in my life.  So, naturally my tendency when I discover someone suffering is to try and help them as quickly and efficiently as possible with the information I already have because, a)  what’s the point in suffering needlessly? and b) if you implement one of my coping mechanisms with the desired result, then I have someone I can converse with about being spirit having a human experience which is my most favorite subject in the world.  In theory it’s a win win, but it doesn’t always work that way.  I’m not always necessarily a good listener because of this.  I’ll have one ear tuned in to the conversation but the rest of my mind is going, “Oooh, ooo, I know this one!  Pick ME, pick ME!” and trying to intuit that link, that commonality between our two experiences so I can draw the line as to how what I’m about to share  is going to help them rise above this particular problem.  Many times it works out great even if it’s incremental, it’s enough to turn their focus to a new horizon.  I’d like to say that this would show up as ‘results driven’ on a resume, but honestly what I think it boils down to is impatience.  I don’t know how to nurture someone without trying to steer their boat out of the mud.  I don’t know how to be anyone’s ‘safe haven’, and it takes effort to show my love without using words.  I’m much better at talking people off a cliff, dusting them off and sending them on their way with an altered perception.

But personally, some of my most restful, content and feeling-loved times were when someone just held me or listened and didn’t try to ‘fix’ it.  I would like to be able to be THAT kind of person more often.  I wish I was better about just allowing people to find their own way and loving them through it without directing traffic. To those who have that part mastered, I salute you, it’s a beautiful thing.  Thank You.

You know those To Do items that never wind up crossed off your list?  They’re either too complicated, too depressing or too scary to jump into and you wind up putting them off indefinitely and eventually lose the list or take off in an entirely different direction to avoid doing it before you’re ‘ready’.  I have a few of those on my list right now because I’m at a little crossroads in my life right now.  Nope, it’s a big one, maybe the biggest of my life.  See, I’m on the verge of publishing a book, my first one, and I have never done anything like this in my life.  I’m pretty ill-prepared and doing everything by braille, feeling my way through it with my gut because there’s so much I don’t know that I have to rely on my intuition to guide me.   I have been collecting support for this project for years and I have plenty of momentum built up, but a few details have caused me to balk at the edge of the River of Change.

One of those details has been the process of *STARTING A BLOG*.  You know, a piece of  that whole ‘selling yourself to an agent, publisher, the WORLD’ thing.  Big AND scary!  It’s that ‘coming out of the closet’ thing, the act that announces to the world that you’ve got something cooking and you intend to launch it on them, ready or not.  I’ve been putting it off for YEARS.  Not that I haven’t thought about it and blogged here and there, I was just afraid to go public with it.  So I did a couple of pieces on my little myspace account and left them up for my friends to read and comment on and left it at that.  Most of it was entirely too raw ( I thought) for mainstream, too personal.  The idea of writing and censoring  my feelings to gain the approval of an audience wasn’t very appealing either, so I got bored with myspace and moved on.  Until this week.

I have to say here that I’m a big fan of facebook.  I have made more amazing connections and had more beautifully executed synchronicities (meaningful coincidences) since I joined facebook than probably most of the rest of my life so far.  It’s been a wonderful ride through time, certainly a vehicle for some of my best personal growth and apparently it’s not done doing that for me.

This week I had a friend request from one of my oldest girlfriends.  We’ve known each other since first or second grade.  We’ve both had a lot of challenges to overcome and we haven’t always stayed close, but we always seem to come back around and touch base with each other again after a good growth spurt and hit if off like nothing ever happened.  I hadn’t seen her in several years but she’d been on my mind for a few months and then suddenly there she is again, out of the blue, on facebook.  We’ve been emailing notes back and forth for a couple of days now, but what she said in her 3rd one is what prompted this entry.

“I read some of your blogs on myspace.”  is what she wrote.  She doesn’t have a myspace account.  I immediately opened a new tab, googled my name and lo and behold, guess what pops up almost at the top?  My “too personal for primetime” blog posts on myspace.  I have no idea how long they’ve been out there for the whole world to see, but I’m glad that I know now, grateful that my friend put that information in my hands, because that was the catalyst for the blog you are reading right now.  I don’t know how this is done in ‘the business’ and I may have to start another one specific to the book when the time comes, but for now I am unapologetically blogging whatever comes up right here.  It may not be pretty but it will be real.

Thanks for your company on the journey… ❤

∞ E

It’s a scientifically proven fact that when enough people consciously seek to change something, they can, through meditation or prayer affect an outcome.  In 1993, a group of people through meditation reduced the crime rate in Washington DC by 23% during an 8 week test period.
http://www.alltm.org/pages/crime-arrested.html

At the time I thought of this, I had been reading and watching some horrible things about the state of the world and of our country and I very much wanted to somehow turn the tide back to good news.  I had also received an email several times from someone who was encouraging people to stop and pray every Friday night at 7pm for the troops.  I brainstormed as many positive characteristics I could think of and wrote them in green fat sharpie on my dining room wall where I could see them just before meditating every evening.  I’m about ready to paint that wall now so my list is going to have to live here, but if anyone is interested in putting their energy into this, it can only improve our circumstances and it costs nothing.  I still try to do this every Friday night at 7pm and any other time I think to.
Here is that list.  Namaste & Thank you~

Our world is:

Loving
Safe
Abundant
Clean
Peaceful
Secure
Healthy

We, The People Are:

Powerful
Wise
Loving
Fair
Determined
Willing
Accepting
Helpful
Courageous
Faithful
Dignified
Strong
Healthy
Compassionate
Secure
Safe
Inspired
Peaceful
Honest
Insightful
Creative
Empathetic
Intuitive
Creative
Leaders
Healers
Thinkers
Teachers
Intelligent
Educated
Happy 🙂

Please join me…be blessed.

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