Category: Healing


You just don’t know
How big a hole you leave when you go
How much time has to pass until I don’t ache
For the way my heart felt when I was yours?
How do I learn not to measure each man
By the standard that is you?
How do I make myself let someone in
When I don’t want anyone to take your place?
When do I stop feeling so damned alone?
Why all the reservations?
I love my life and the people in it
But I don’t let them get too close
I don’t want to waste their time,
Get tangled up in their emotional response
And have to extricate myself
Because they don’t feel like you, like home
Because I’m not willing to settle for less
Than the sun shining on my face
At what point do I stop missing you
In my life, in my heart, in my bed, in my head?
You haunt me when I least expect it
At three am when I’m trying to sleep

My heart fairly shrieks with loss
And it makes me write it all down

I stumble over you in the dark sometimes
When I thought I’d had all that cleaned up and put away
I hear your voice in my dreams, even when I’m awake
I get tripped up by old voice mails, old emails, old conversations

That seem like they happened yesterday

Sometimes everything is off kilter

It looks good from the outside

But it feels all wrong inside

Like I got on the wrong plane
You’re everywhere here but I can’t find even one of your shirts
I’m tired but I can’t sleep, the bed is too damn big
I’m tired of feeling lost and alone, not belonging
No one has my back, nothing to look forward to

I don’t know what to do with this heart
How can it feel so full when something
So vital is missing?
How do you not feel this emptiness?
Where is the light? Where did I leave my joy?
I still don’t know how to not be your girl sometimes

I did my first event with Marlene Marion (of Advanced EFT Healing Begins Now), Cord Cutting, last week and have experienced a large shift since then in many areas of my life.

I wrote out a letter of intention the evening prior, stating my willingness to release any attachments to old or negative thought patterns, fears, limitations, feelings of abandonment, unworthiness, jealousy, self-protective measures, addictions, beliefs, and relationships that no longer serve my highest good, and the toxins they create in my body.  I also stated my willingness to receive healing, love, abundance, health, creativity and motivation and expressed my gratitude to the Universe and to Marlene for the opportunity to cleanse my energy fields.  I did a tapping session that evening, then placed the letter next to my bed under a chunk of amethyst and rose quartz.

During the session I felt big, cold goosebumps running up my right side, from the top of my foot to the top of my head, twice.  I also had some pain and discomfort in my lower back (sharp, stabbing, burning) and in my pelvic region (ache with a few pin prick type spasms).  It really did seem like we were in a time warp  😉  I felt like it had been going on for SUCH a long time and when I checked the clock only 16 minutes had passed.  I fell asleep after that and woke up 2 hours later feeling peaceful and much lighter.  For the next 3 days, I woke up with joint pain in my hips and lower back, but it’s dissipated now.  I drank a lot of water and remembered to express gratitude for my healing every time I thought of it.

I have had some interesting experiences since then regarding my judgment of other people, my own self-worth, and my sexuality.  It seems like it’s all been back-feeding and circling back around on itself, giving me insights to how I have operated in the past and I’ve had several synchronicities show up in conversations and events since then.  I feel like the past is honestly in the past, except as a mile marker now.  I feel much lighter and less attached to the outcomes of any of the problems that have been plaguing me lately and not as attached to my ‘story’, if that makes any sense.  I feel less a victim and more an explorer now.  There have been so many more REAL moments for me in the last 9 days than I can remember in the last several months, I feel clear and open and receptive, and very, very grateful for the peace that brings me.  I recommend her healing sessions to anyone with any issues they’re trying to overcome.

Thank you so much for what you do, Marlene.

I’m actually grateful that this one was taken out of my hands.

As much as I’d like to control the outcome, prove the intent behind my actions, make a smooth transition in the lobby for friendship in lieu of romantic attachment, this is the way it needed to be. My meddling in my own mess would only serve to complicate and ficklize (that should be a word) the process of healing that has already begun.

I love him. I will always love him. I’m grateful for the wonderful time we had together, the experience of feeling cherished and the magnitude of what I learned about myself from knowing him. The fact that I can’t see him as my life partner doesn’t change any of that. Whether he accepts or rejects my friendship doesn’t change it. He’s still a beautiful, kind, gentle, funny and loving, – major – step in my evolution and will always hold a piece of my heart.

Goodbye, sweet B. May the sun always shine on your journey and thank you for loving me the best way you knew how.

∞ E

I’ve known Money for a long time.  I met him when I was quite young and impressionable.  He promised me freedom and independence and contentment if I would just work hard at being with him.  I spent all of my summers putting in long hours just for a chance to spend time with him (interesting play on those words, don’t you think?), he would show up and then leave just as quickly.  I had an impeccable record, worked lots of overtime, gave them my best, never missed work, hardly even took the vacation time I earned because I never knew if Money was going to be around long enough to enjoy it.  Sometimes it would pay off and we could enjoy some time together before he would leave me again, but then I’d have to work extra hard to get him back.  Money chooses the kinds of jobs I can do too, he insists that I have a ‘real’ job most of the time, one that pays better but expects me to be completely submissive and unfulfilled while I’m there.  He seems to like it twice as much if I have a nagging, jealous or monitoring boss and if there are other people there just taking up space and oxygen for their paychecks.  He loves it when I go home and work after hours late into the night for him too.  When I’m not working, he loves to scare me about losing my house and not having insurance.  He doesn’t want me to be creative and happy, he wants me to be stuck and afraid so he can manipulate me.  It’s like he enjoys torturing me.

I see him with other women all the time.  ALL the time, out shopping for clothes and shoes, having dinner with friends, or partying on a pontoon boat in Breckenridge all weekend.  He acts like I’m not even there, never acknowledges me when I notice.  He flirts with them and tells them how nice they look and how much they deserve him, he seems to always be wrapped around their fingers, listening intently to their desires, no matter how common or exorbitant, and then seemingly snaps his fingers and makes it happen for them.  The time he and I spend together doesn’t look like that at all, in fact, just the opposite.  If I consider going out of town for a weekend, having dinner with a friend, or going to a movie or the track, he threatens to LEAVE me.  He goes as far as following me through the grocery store asking me, “Do you really need THAT?!  Come on now…”  He’s judgmental and cruel too.  When we get a chance to go shopping together for me, he says nasty things like, “Why don’t you wait and buy that later, after you lose some weight….  Oh THAT’S right, you’re never GOING to lose that weight, are you?!”  His remarks are like acid to me, eating away at my self-esteem.  He’s constantly watching the fuel gauge on my car telling me that I could save 45 bucks if I’d just stay home and call my girlfriend instead of driving up to see her for the afternoon.  Long ago we stopped going out for coffee unless it’s a special occasion because it’s so wasteful.  He’s stingy and controlling.  When I do buy something for myself, he looks down on me and makes me feel selfish and irresponsible.  He’s happy when he can make me feel vulnerable and not quite sure of myself.  It keeps me loyally working for him so he can go out and spoil someone else while I’m at work banging my head against the wall.

Money’s friends are, let me put it bluntly, assholes.  Well, he thinks they’re friends, but really they’re just associates, and they’re criminals.  All they’re doing is using each other to get what they want.  They plot together to make terrible things happen.  They start wars with no reasons, and create  ‘natural’ disasters that kill and injure thousands of people.  They taunt humanity and gain their trust and then pull the rug out from under them and LAUGH!  They cause desperation and then punish people for it.  They take away jobs and security, they poison oceans and sea life, they kill honey bees, and ruin farmland.  They sell things that aren’t theirs to sell, hike the prices up and then kill the people they stole it from.  They’re destructive, calculating, cold liars.  They laugh at us as we struggle.  We only want to have enough of what we need and some PEACE and good health so we can enjoy our lives without worrying, but that apparently is too much to ask.  They don’t care about us at all. For some reason Money doesn’t see that as a problem, he’s complicit.  I can’t love someone like that, he represents everything I hate about society.

The worst part is he’s not even my type.  He’s short and wiry, arrogant, cynical and rude.  He doesn’t care about people or their circumstances, has no sympathy, isn’t interested in making the world a better place, he seemingly has no heart.  He has a sharp tongue and is not afraid to use it and shows no remorse when he does.  No matter how deep his comments cut me, I have to get over it myself because I need HIM, not the other way around.  He holds me hostage and I resent him for it.  When I’m around him, instead of feeling loved, safe and protected, I feel big and clumsy, desperate and embarrassing to him.    He’s like that arrogant jock in high school who is so taken with himself that he walks around snubbing all but the most popular girls.  He’s all about the show.  All talk and no substance and more worthless by the day which makes him all the more hard to stomach.  He’s a bully. I don’t care for him and clearly he’s not concerned with my outcome, I should end this.

One of my strongest desires is to help people (and animals) who are hurt or struggling.

I’m a fairly resourceful girl, a Virgo with some decent analytical skills {ha!}.  I’ve done a lot of research and experimentation with what I’ve learned, a lot of work on myself, a lot of healing, with and without the aid of other folks in my life.  So, naturally my tendency when I discover someone suffering is to try and help them as quickly and efficiently as possible with the information I already have because, a)  what’s the point in suffering needlessly? and b) if you implement one of my coping mechanisms with the desired result, then I have someone I can converse with about being spirit having a human experience which is my most favorite subject in the world.  In theory it’s a win win, but it doesn’t always work that way.  I’m not always necessarily a good listener because of this.  I’ll have one ear tuned in to the conversation but the rest of my mind is going, “Oooh, ooo, I know this one!  Pick ME, pick ME!” and trying to intuit that link, that commonality between our two experiences so I can draw the line as to how what I’m about to share  is going to help them rise above this particular problem.  Many times it works out great even if it’s incremental, it’s enough to turn their focus to a new horizon.  I’d like to say that this would show up as ‘results driven’ on a resume, but honestly what I think it boils down to is impatience.  I don’t know how to nurture someone without trying to steer their boat out of the mud.  I don’t know how to be anyone’s ‘safe haven’, and it takes effort to show my love without using words.  I’m much better at talking people off a cliff, dusting them off and sending them on their way with an altered perception.

But personally, some of my most restful, content and feeling-loved times were when someone just held me or listened and didn’t try to ‘fix’ it.  I would like to be able to be THAT kind of person more often.  I wish I was better about just allowing people to find their own way and loving them through it without directing traffic. To those who have that part mastered, I salute you, it’s a beautiful thing.  Thank You.

It’s a scientifically proven fact that when enough people consciously seek to change something, they can, through meditation or prayer affect an outcome.  In 1993, a group of people through meditation reduced the crime rate in Washington DC by 23% during an 8 week test period.
http://www.alltm.org/pages/crime-arrested.html

At the time I thought of this, I had been reading and watching some horrible things about the state of the world and of our country and I very much wanted to somehow turn the tide back to good news.  I had also received an email several times from someone who was encouraging people to stop and pray every Friday night at 7pm for the troops.  I brainstormed as many positive characteristics I could think of and wrote them in green fat sharpie on my dining room wall where I could see them just before meditating every evening.  I’m about ready to paint that wall now so my list is going to have to live here, but if anyone is interested in putting their energy into this, it can only improve our circumstances and it costs nothing.  I still try to do this every Friday night at 7pm and any other time I think to.
Here is that list.  Namaste & Thank you~

Our world is:

Loving
Safe
Abundant
Clean
Peaceful
Secure
Healthy

We, The People Are:

Powerful
Wise
Loving
Fair
Determined
Willing
Accepting
Helpful
Courageous
Faithful
Dignified
Strong
Healthy
Compassionate
Secure
Safe
Inspired
Peaceful
Honest
Insightful
Creative
Empathetic
Intuitive
Creative
Leaders
Healers
Thinkers
Teachers
Intelligent
Educated
Happy 🙂

Please join me…be blessed.

Bliss (Sexual Abuse/Trauma)

Current mood:  impressed

Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I just watched the movie Bliss, with Craig Sheffer and Sheryl Lee and I’m going to recommend it.  As a person with sexual abuse issues that I buried most of my life and just recently unearthed, this movie could have put me on the road to healing a long time ago and maybe saved me a lot of heartache and ruined relationships.

If you know it happened to you or even suspect, but are downplaying the effect it’s had on your life, please have the courage to rent this movie and begin to heal.  I’ve recently heard that 1 in 3 women has been incested or sexually abused by the time she was 18 by someone she trusted.  Someone who was supposed to keep her safe, or at least have her best interests at heart.  Someone unconscious and lost enough to steal trust and hope from a child.  It’s not easily won back.

We are women who have a need to control everything and everyone around them to feel safe.  We try to please everyone, we don’t say no in the bedroom or outside of it in our daily lives.  We feel dirty, ashamed, guilty, used, taken for granted and ugly.  We don’t feel good enough, deserving enough, pretty enough or worthy of love.  We think we have to stay busy and excel or accomplish something all the time because we’re afraid to sit still with ourselves and feel what we feel.  We’re afraid to ask for what we want because we don’t feel we deserve it.  We don’t fight fair.  We don’t feel ok alone and a lot of us are afraid of the dark.  We need constant reassurance and validation from the people closest to us or we cut ourselves off from people so we can feel safe.  We can be clingy and needy or completely disconnected from our partners and friends, all of which drives them away and destroys our relationships.  We are living a lie because we were taught by the actions of the people around us that we weren’t lovable unless we gave ourselves away.

It’s not true ladies.  Every one of us has our own light, our own contribution to give to the world and there is nothing wrong with any of us.  We may feel that way, but we had to do something to survive that absolute disconnect from what love is and should be.  We created new selves to hide behind so the pain wouldn’t be devastating.  We’re tough as hell, but it doesn’t always have to be that way.  Are you tired of feeling like you’re drowning?  Are you tired of running all the time and never getting away?  Are you exhausted from pretending to be something you’re not?  Of defending yourself from everyone who tries to get close to you?  I was.  It’s not easy.  It’s a bitch to get through and it feels like you’re being torn in two a lot of days.  But some days, when you reconnect with your true self and can laugh at some of your delusions about yourself and the world in general, it’s fantastic and it keeps getting better.  When you start to take off that mask, there’s a really awesome person in there waiting for you and she likes herself.  She’s always been there for you and she always will be.

Give it some thought.  I don’t recommend diving into this to anyone who’s currently in a depression or dealing with a major crisis because you’re going to hit some rough spots and you’re going to need some time to yourself.  When you do, make sure you have supportive friends around you and maybe a good therapist.  Mine is a godsend, she’s exactly who I asked for when I asked for help.  Go with what’s in your heart if you decide to talk to someone about it.  If it doesn’t feel right, find someone else.  You’re going to need someone who can support you in setting boundaries and working through things that don’t make sense.  You don’t want to stay stuck in this partway through, so choose carefully.  It doesn’t happen overnight.  There are a lot of good books out there to help you through things, help you start moving in a new direction and changing old habits.  There are a lot of hurdles, a lot of pain and some heartbreaking revelations about the people you know and love and it’s scary.  You will feel like a victim and you will feel rage like you’ve never felt before, but it doesn’t last forever.  Sometimes there’s nearly unbearable sadness.  It’s not pretty.  You’ll probably wake up with your eyes swollen shut from crying.  But it’s real.  You’re an adult and you can see things you couldn’t see as a child, understand things you couldn’t get your mind around back then.  And you will find your beautiful true self and she’s wonderful, believe me.  The universe will bring you what you need to heal yourself.  All you have to do is ask.  And remember, nothing you’ve been through has killed you so far, you have survived in a truly courageous way, and THIS will not be the end of you. 
It’s only the beginning. 
Namaste, my friends,
E

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