Category: Relationships


In the accepting of my darkness, the forgiving of my humanness, I am taking back my power. If I am loved and accepted by something so much bigger than myself, who am I, to hold my imperfections against me?

Instead of policing your thoughts and impulses, try being a witness to them. Do not judge them right or wrong, don’t analyze them, just notice them.We all live in this maze in our minds, where a thought is like pushing a pig down the alleys of a barn and blocking gates when it threatens to stray into areas we’re not comfortable with. We are our own mind-control, based on how we want to see ourselves. We only allow that which matches our mental image of who we are, and many of those ideals were put there by someone else, they may not even be your own. But how will you know unless you let the pig go where it wants? Stop censoring yourselves and discover who you are when you’re FREE.

You may surprise yourself and be better and more than you imagined.Not all of you will understand this analogy. 😉

I am ready and willing to release the need to hurt myself.
Am I punishing myself?  Do I believe that I am ‘bad’ because someone once (ok-way more than once) told me so (at the top of their lungs) while they were punishing me? Did their justification for it validate that belief or did it create it? What could I have possibly done at eight to elicit that response?
I was punished, degraded and called names by unaware, unenlightened people who couldn’t control their angst and anger, who were not in touch with their feelings, who couldn’t tap into their compassion, their heart. That condition is not (was not) a reflection of ME. I am not (was not) responsible for their feelings or lack of awareness, then or NOW, although I believed I was. So much easier to blame the child than to get a grip on yourself, or ask someone for HELP.
I am GOOD. I WAS good. My intentions were good. I was sensitive and intuitive and my heart was open, until I adopted that belief, that I was wrong…bad. I’ve spent the last 23 years proving to myself that I’m undeserving, that I don’t belong, that my feelings and my experience don’t matter, that I’m responsible for other people’s reactions, that my needs aren’t important, because there’s something in me that isn’t RIGHT.
But the buck stops here.
You may have created me, you may have molded me and shaped my experience, but your words and actions no longer bind me to your definition of me in your anger. Clearly your life was not ideal, your experience difficult. But 40 years later, you are still stuck in that place and I refuse to spend the next 40 years blaming you or my experience of you for the outcome of my life. I’m sorry you can’t see me. I’m sorry you can’t wrap your mind around what I’ve become, largely through my own efforts, having little or nothing to do with your input or opinion or advice. And I’m sorry you can’t see yourself, that you feel lost and alone now, because someone obviously told you some of the same things you told me, and it’s hard to be still with yourself when you don’t hold a high opinion of YOU.
I’m going to bless you now, and every time I think of it, until that hole in me is mended. And I’m going to see you as the emotionally wounded individuals that you are, just as I am, deserving of love and compassion.   I’m not going to nurture that seed that was planted anymore, because I know it was not your intention to wound me. I am your child, but that’s not all that I am, I will not allow that experience to limit me any longer.

I love you and forgive you.

∞E

I always wince when I hear people complain about their circumstances, especially if they’re expressing horribly negative things out loud.

How many times have you said or heard something like this:

“My job is killing me”

“My boss is a jerk”

“Life’s a bitch and then you DIE”

“He’s a pain in my ass”

“I’m so pissed OFF”

“There are no good men/women out there”

“My life sucks”

“People suck”

“I’m DYING here”

“Cigarettes will kill you”

“I can’t ____”

“I wish he’d die”

“I’m always broke”

“People always take me for granted”

“Everything I touch turns to sh__”

“I can’t catch a break”

“Nothing  ever works out for me”

“I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop”

“I’m not enough for him”

“I’m too OLD”

The problem with stating things like these as fact is that, a) they’re not TRUE, and b) the Universe is always going to give you more of what you’re focusing on-without exception.

The quality of your experience as a human being here on earth is based on your thoughts, your emotions, your beliefs and your choices.  You wouldn’t set out to wish horrible things on yourself or pray for miserable circumstances, would you?  You are creating your experience with every thought that goes through your head.  Say it out loud and you’re affirming it to yourself and whoever is listening, so you’ve doubled it’s power.  This is true for positive as well as negative thoughts, but we’re going to focus on the negative for a minute, because that’s where we get in trouble with ourselves.  No one’s out there complaining about being too damned happy, are they?  Feeling too good today?  Having too much fun with too much money?  Had to take yet ANOTHER rotten vacation?  Too lucky?  Nope, didn’t think so.   How often do you see someone who complains all the time win the lottery?  Marry the man of their dreams?  Get a fantastic promotion?  Be the life of the party?  Yep…me neither.  Cynical smirks are about as close to happy smiles as turds are to pickles, and just as much fun.

So, what do you do about your negative thoughts?  Your life is a shit storm, you’re under a lot of pressure at work or home, your health is deteriorating, your relationships are falling apart or not getting off the ground, people don’t want to be around you, your kids/spouse don’t respect you, you don’t feel appreciated, you don’t have enough time to do everything, you’ve got too much month at the end of the money…  isn’t it exhausting thinking about all of that?  Wow, I’m bummed just writing it!  How do you get any relief?  You train yourself.  You learn to pay attention to the noise that comes out of your head and you make a choice whether you’re going to blurt out negativity and vileness to be used against yourself or NOT.  It takes some practice, I’m not gonna lie.  You’re going to slip up and wish bad things on yourself out of reflex by venting something nasty once in a while –  BUT – you’ll start to notice it.  And at some point, in noticing, you’ll catch it before it flies out of your mouth and you will high-five yourself because that’s going to be a milestone on your personal journey towards happiness.

The other half of the equation is finding something better to replace those thoughts with.  We think thousands of thoughts a day.  Pay attention to them.  Are they mostly dull, lifeless, unhappy, unfulfilled, whiny, self-deprecating, worrisome, anxious or dead-end thoughts?  If so, YOU need some new thoughts.  Ask yourself this…are they your own?  Or did someone else put them there?  Did you hear similar thinking from your parents, teachers, church or the media?  Are you judging yourself by someone else’s model or moral standard?  They’re not living your life, who let them in there?  Go get the bouncer and 86 them from your head.  NOT YOUR STUFF.  It may take a while to weed through those imposters posing as your thoughts and beliefs, but get them out of there.  They’re taking up space where you could be storing good thoughts and healthy beliefs.

Next step is to find something good to replace the things you ejected.  Use the same method you used to notice your ugly thought patterns and start noticing the things that are working for you.  Maybe you’ve got a job you don’t like to go to everyday, but you have a great spouse or awesome kids to go home to every night.  Focus your thoughts on them and the joy, love, help, relief, pride, hope they bring you.  Be grateful.  Telling them you’re grateful is great, but if you can’t bring yourself to tell them, at least acknowledge your gratitude for them to yourself, out loud, in your car on your way to work.  In fact, you can use your commute to think about all the things you’re grateful for in your life.  Take stock.  What’s working for you?  Why is it working?  Because you haven’t beat it to death with negativity, it’s been under the radar.  See how this works?  Whatever we focus on, we send energy too.  Negative focus begets negative outcomes.  Positive focus creates positive outcomes.  Having problems with your spouse?  Try coming up with all the things you love about them and focusing on that for a while.  Nine times out of ten, they will feel your gratitude subconsciously and start modeling more of the things you love.  Feeling disrespected?  Start modeling respect and see what happens.  Not feeling heard or acknowledged?  Try listening.  Hate your job?  Try telling yourself “I love my job” and then find reasons to make it true, like;  they give me a fat paycheck every week, the cafeteria has a great cook, all my bills are paid, I have a window, they have good coffee…  It doesn’t have to be about the work itself, but pick out the good things about working there and focus on them.  If you can’t think of anything good, take work off the table.  They’re only paying you for 8 hours a day, why think about it for 12?  Your mind belongs to YOU.  You get to choose what goes on in there.  Worried about your health?  A lot of people feel that their bodies are failing them when they get sick or exhausted.  Your body is an amazing instrument.  It is always trying to keep you in optimal health, that’s its job.  If you don’t feel good, listen to it.  Quit putting junk in it.  Get enough sleep.  Your body is not the enemy.  Support it instead of fighting it. Be grateful to it for getting up every morning and moving you around the world, fighting off viruses, digesting your meals.  Who cares if it’s not magazine perfect?  What’s more important, the size of your butt or if your brain works?  Then we wonder why it quits working, when all it hears is what we don’t like about it.  That’s like telling an engineer his life’s work is unacceptable because he’s wearing purple reading glasses.  Stop rejecting your body over vanity, that’s retarded.

When did you stop dreaming?  Do you remember what makes your heart jump, what excites you?  Start paying attention to the world around you.  What stands out for you that you want more of?  Your old dreams might not fit you anymore, so don’t be afraid to go off in a different direction.  This isn’t costing you anything but a little time and energy to direct your thoughts.  Do you even know what you want your life to look like, ideally?  Get a picture of that in your head.  Change it up til it feels right to your heart.  Fantasize about it, invest time and some emotional energy in where you’d like to be.  Do NOT allow guilt or feelings of obligation to people or work interfere with your ideal.  This is YOUR  dream, they can have their own.  Do not allow your current lack of resources to influence your picture.  No limits.  Go there in your mind whenever possible.   If you don’t have an idea of what you want to feel like, where you want to be personally, then nothing you’re currently doing has any direction, which results in chaos and upheaval.  Understand this isn’t a goal to focus on achieving, it’s a state of mind where you are happy and fulfilled, which ultimately is what you want your physical reality to mirror.  This practice gives an outlet to your creative, happy energy and gives the Universe something to work on in the background while you’re putting one foot in front of the other in your current state of experience.

Finally, treat yourself as if you were your best friend.  You wouldn’t tell your best friend some of the terrible things you say to yourself when you look in the mirror, would you?  Don’t do it to yourself either.  If you don’t value yourself, you’re not looking hard enough at who you are, and how’s anyone else supposed to appreciate you if you don’t?  People in general are basically good and well-intentioned.  Start there and work into a healthier view of who you are and what you bring to the table.  Don’t compare yourself to others, quit knocking yourself for things you can’t help, and start appreciating yourself for the things you do well.  Give yourself a break once in a while.  No one is perfect and no one expects you to be either.  Not everyone is going to give you an atta-boy when you nail something, but you can do it for you.  Your outlook and sense of self-worth will thank you for it.  You’ll start noticing that in spite of whatever’s stacked against you at the moment, you’ll be more satisfied with your life, less anxious about your circumstances, and more hopeful and positive in your outlook, which will definitely bring you a better experience.

∞E

I am a sunset over the ocean
I am cinnamon, espresso & cream
I am kisses, robin eggs, and red licorice
I am hyacinths, daffodils & buttercups
I am a blooming Russian Olive tree
I am rain on asphalt, a freshly mown field of hay
I am a child laughing and a baby sleeping
I am water over stones in a stream
I am Amazing Grace, InfinitE
I am rumpled covers, and soft moans
I am a whisper, a sweet kiss from my lover
I am calloused hands, and crows’ feet
I am smiling eyes and long lashes
I am a hawk circling overhead with a message
I am a pretty spring dress
I am tourmaline, aventurine, fluorite & amethyst
I am a wildflower, growing in a ditch along the highway
I am Legacy green and Paisley
I am a touch, a caress, a soft breeze
I am a field of sunflowers on a hot day
I am a winding dirt road
I am music
I am a cat purring, a candle in a darkened room
I am Joy, and Hope, and Forgiveness
I am lightning over the mountains
I am the sun, peeking through storm clouds
I am an old photograph, ageless
I am a fast car with beautiful lines
I am Freedom, Peace, Balance
I am a tattoo of dragons and koi
I am the Eye
I am paper, I am the pen
I am a kitten playing, a piglet running, a calf bucking
I am a child on a swing
I am the Spring and the Autumn
I am the wide, blue, cloudless sky
I am new growth and old tractors
I am the Mystery
I am fine chocolate and homegrown tomatoes
I am a soft place to fall
I am the sunshine on my back
I am wind chimes and tinkling bells
I am Orion and the Pleiades
I am the praying mantis
I am Pi, and Light, and Beauty
I am the sunrise, a spotted horse
I am pears in caramel sauce with cream
I am old barn wood, painted red
I am the holding of hands, the bonding principle
I am a partner, I am enough
I am leather and Ylang Ylang
I am a bedraggled daisy in fertile soil
I am compassion, anticipation, and sleep
I am waves crashing on rocks, a wizened old tree in a field of stone
I am a dragonfly, hovering over still water
I am cherished memories

I am Love

I know no one likes to hurt.

Emotional pain is uncomfortable, overwhelming, debilitating and exhausting.  Everyone deals with it differently.  Some repress or deny, some vocalize and cry, some try to bury themselves in work or activities or other relationships, numbing themselves until the majority of it passes, or get angry and shut down emotionally.  Regardless of how you handle it, pain doesn’t just vanish.  If you don’t deal with it in a constructive manner, eventually it’s going to come back to bite you, either in your relationships or your health.

I’m no expert, but I’m no stranger to pain.  I’ve spent a lot of time and energy fending it off in various ways and I’ve come to realize that the best way for me to deal is to confront it directly.  You’re already hurting right?  It hasn’t killed you in the past, correct?  So, if you’re wallowing in doom or despair, my suggestion is to take it one step further and marinade in it.  Not forever, just for now.  Find out the real reasons for your distress by following the pain to its source.  I promise you, if you go down that rabbit hole you won’t get stuck there.  You can get out of the pool any time you want.  You can even take several short dips, whenever you’re feeling strong enough.

Many times emotional hurt manifests physically as sensation in the body.  Get comfortable wherever you are, breathe deeply and feel into your body until you find it.  Is it in the pit of your stomach, your heart, your shoulders, your head?  What does it feel like?  Does it feel like weight, static, anxiety, pressure, pain?  If it’s pain, what are its characteristics?  Is it sharp, dull, pounding?  Constant or intermittent?  Does it feel like a combination of things?  Does it feel familiar to you?  Sit with it, breathe and channel  your breath to that part of your body.  It’s a physical acknowledgment to your being that you’re consciously nurturing the part of you that’s hurting.

While you’re breathing, search your memory for another time in your life when you felt the same or a similar sense of dis-ease.  Is your current situation triggering a memory and mirroring an old emotional or physical response?  Is this response appropriate to your current situation or does it just feel like a replay of a bad dream?  If you feel like someone ‘did this TO you’, is that accurate, or did you have an expectation that they didn’t meet?  Are you taking something personal that isn’t?  If your situation triggers anxiety or fear, where does that come from?  Try and remember what’s caused you anxiety or fear in the past.  Follow the feeling to find out why it made you anxious or fearful.

At the core of the emotion is something you believe about yourself, see if you can identify it.  Do you, in your core, believe that you are unlovable, unsafe, unworthy, worthless or something else?  Go to the source of that belief.  Remember who you were as a child, as a young adult, or a partner.  Relive having your feelings negated, being humiliated, being jilted by a lover, feeling abandoned when someone you depended on left or died.  Feel into the loss, the hopelessness, the regret, the fear again with compassion for the person you were then.  Forgive yourself, then and now, for doing the wrong thing, being afraid, being helpless or weak, not knowing better, not sticking up for yourself, not knowing how to react.

We all find it easy to empathize with others, but we rarely cut ourselves any slack.  Learn to have compassion for yourself and your own tough life experiences as if you were your own friend.  Half of our problem is that we’ve judged ourselves so harshly in memory that our psyche (the culmination of all that we’ve experienced that’s held in our memory) doesn’t trust our mind to make the right choices for us.  We think that familiar sinking feeling means we’ve blown it – AGAIN – and are going to have to relive the same situation.  But oftentimes the reason we attract the same seemingly habitual, painful experiences is because we’re not yet aware of what in US needs to be seen, heard, and acknowledged and sometimes accepted or forgiven.  Once that work is done, the psyche can release the need to keep re-experiencing those patterns.

We don’t have the power to change the past, but we can learn from it and move into a better experience by releasing old pain.  It’s well worth the time and effort.  If you’re already feeling hurt, you owe it to your future to find out why.  Empathize with that child you were, or the wife or son or daughter you were.  Forgive the people and circumstances that caused that pain if you can, but definitely forgive YOURSELF.  No one has all the answers.  We’re all here clumsily making our way through life and its myriad of curve balls.  We’re here to make mistakes, it’s all part of the process.  Cry it out, talk it out (even to yourself), write it out, and BE KIND to yourself in the process.  When you get out of the pool, you’ll have discharged a lot of residual negative emotion, you’ll feel calmer, and you’ll have a new respect for yourself and how far you’ve come.

To your Future with Love,

∞E

I’ve recently been checking out the Online Dating thing and I’ve gotta tell ya…it’s way tougher than it seems.  Big kudos to anyone with the huevos to put their heart out there looking for love.  I applaud you.

That being said, there are very few men that I’ve considered getting to know, based on their profiles and I’d like to offer up some advice to those who are actually in search of a woman of substance and integrity and not just a  good time.  Nothing wrong with that, but if your relationships are lacking meaning and depth and you’re actually wanting a soul connection, you’re gonna have to clean it up and get real.

  • Your Pictures – You may see this as shallow, but it’s the first visual contact we have with you.  Mugshots aren’t cool and unfortunately, those pics taken with your webcam are distracting.  Your food processor on the shelf behind you may tell us something interesting, but your laundry is something entirely different.  Do you have a friend?  Maybe one with a digital camera?  Give us a recent shot of you smiling for the main.  To coin a phrase from a friend, “We all looked better five to ten years ago, you’re just setting yourself up for rejection.” Show us you doing something you love, enjoying time out with your friends, something serious, something funny or interesting, you and your kids if you have them, your tats or toys for the rest.  We want to know who you ARE, not just what you look like late at night while you’re surfing the web.  You boys in cowboy hats, throw some shape on that thing after you dig it out of the back of your closet and before you present yourself in it online, you look like a goober.  We know the difference.
  • Your Interests-BUZZWORDS, yep I said it – use them!  Conservative, liberal, political, religious, spirituality, geo-caching, home improvement, your kids, movies, books, technology, leather, photography, psychic, philosophy, sailing, history, time-travel, skiing, climbing, self-help, motorcycles, cross-dressing, dogs, volunteering, coffee, causes, tattoos, chain mail armor, road trips, sushi, horror flicks, spelunking, working on cars.  Anything that you’re passionate about, put it out there so it shows up in a search.  The key is commonality.  If we can’t find you, we don’t know if there’s something there to work with or not.
  • Your Profile – I don’t like it anymore than you do, but technically this is your resume to the world of women.    State your intent.  Honestly.  If you’re looking to be the man next to one of us at the end of the day, tell us why that’s a good idea.  What are your strengths?  Weaknesses?  Passions?  What makes you pay attention to a particular type of woman and what type is she?  This is an exercise in asking the Universe for what you want in a relationship.  Half-assed profiles are going to get you half-assed results.  Get clear on who that girl is that you want and then tell us what that means.  Tell us what about you compliments that woman, so we get a picture in our heads and can decide whether we’re interested or not.  What do you do with your time?  What gives you joy?  Why?  Are you sensitive?  Strong?  If you want someone who’s not afraid to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, say so.  If you’re looking for a hippie chick, a good mom, someone who likes to read poetry by the fire, dominatrix,grandma, ball-busting business partner, conspiracy theorist, roller derby queen, big boobs, Buddhist…PUT IT OUT THERE.  Don’t compromise yourself by settling for any old pretty face.  Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t fluff it up to fill space.  You are perfectly acceptable and interesting just the way you are.  Dig deep and be REAL.  Someone out there is going to recognize and appreciate that, IF she can see what you’re about.  If you don’t write well, ask someone to help you present yourself, someone who knows and appreciates the person you are and is familiar with your strong points.  Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, other men are not looking at your profile.
  • Your Updates – If you think of something you want to add, do it.  What’s on there is not set in stone.  People change, find new interests, change their minds.  Be current.
  • First Contact – Get to the point.  Tell us what it is you find interesting or attractive about us or our profile and give us some feedback about who YOU are.  I know I’m cute, what else?  If you have a gut feeling about someone but their profile is vague, act on it-but be specific about what you’re asking and don’t expect too much.  Quit trying so hard to be what we want.  Be who YOU are.  If your message is gushing about all the things we have in common and how we’re ‘The One’ for you, that’s a little freaky coming from someone we’ve never MET.  Cool your jets, Hoss.   Start a dialogue with something relevant.  If we feel it, we’ll respond.  Period.  I don’t want 4 emails telling me how much you like my hair, or agreeing with *everything* I said in my profile, or sappy crap about staring into my eyes for hours (CREEPY!), or asking me if I like to wear thongs.  You wouldn’t say that to someone you just met in person, would you?  Would you like it if all we were interested in was your IRA and an accurate measurement of your penis?
  • First date – Cripes!  Keep it simple!  Meet somewhere quiet and public and bring separate cars.  That way if she smells like a walrus or has a nicer mustache than yours, you can beat feet when you’re through with your coffee.  No long drives together, no helicopter (or ambulance) rides, no expensive dinners, no overnight trips to Vegas, no concerts.  Two people, exchanging ideas and eye contact and hopefully getting a better feel for each other than they did online.  Keep your expectations low, she’s just a human being, like you.  You’re out less than ten bucks and if you want to extend the date to something else, you can.  If she wants to see you again, it’s going to be very apparent.  You can plan the Costa Rican zipline tour for the next date after you’ve established that you like each other.
  • Finally, don’t be discouraged.  Things don’t always happen over night.  There is a huge ratio of men to women on these sites, sad but true.  We pretty much get to pick and choose who we want to give the time of day to.  We don’t always have time to answer all your emails in a day, or determine if there’s an interest, and many people are uncomfortable with outright rejection because they are sensitive to your feelings.  Don’t take it personally.  Make yourself seen, make yourself heard and leave the rest up to the Universe’s timing.  Enjoy the process of getting to know someone, savor the good stuff and don’t stress about the rest.  Everyone in your life is there for a reason, you don’t want to fill it with junk that’s not worthy of you anyway.  Use the time in between to get to know yourself and take care of YOU.  There’s nothing unlovable or unattractive about the person you are, it just takes the right woman to appreciate what you bring to the table and she’s worth waiting for.

∞E

Pretty-Katy Makkai

You just don’t know
How big a hole you leave when you go
How much time has to pass until I don’t ache
For the way my heart felt when I was yours?
How do I learn not to measure each man
By the standard that is you?
How do I make myself let someone in
When I don’t want anyone to take your place?
When do I stop feeling so damned alone?
Why all the reservations?
I love my life and the people in it
But I don’t let them get too close
I don’t want to waste their time,
Get tangled up in their emotional response
And have to extricate myself
Because they don’t feel like you, like home
Because I’m not willing to settle for less
Than the sun shining on my face
At what point do I stop missing you
In my life, in my heart, in my bed, in my head?
You haunt me when I least expect it
At three am when I’m trying to sleep

My heart fairly shrieks with loss
And it makes me write it all down

I stumble over you in the dark sometimes
When I thought I’d had all that cleaned up and put away
I hear your voice in my dreams, even when I’m awake
I get tripped up by old voice mails, old emails, old conversations

That seem like they happened yesterday

Sometimes everything is off kilter

It looks good from the outside

But it feels all wrong inside

Like I got on the wrong plane
You’re everywhere here but I can’t find even one of your shirts
I’m tired but I can’t sleep, the bed is too damn big
I’m tired of feeling lost and alone, not belonging
No one has my back, nothing to look forward to

I don’t know what to do with this heart
How can it feel so full when something
So vital is missing?
How do you not feel this emptiness?
Where is the light? Where did I leave my joy?
I still don’t know how to not be your girl sometimes

I did my first event with Marlene Marion (of Advanced EFT Healing Begins Now), Cord Cutting, last week and have experienced a large shift since then in many areas of my life.

I wrote out a letter of intention the evening prior, stating my willingness to release any attachments to old or negative thought patterns, fears, limitations, feelings of abandonment, unworthiness, jealousy, self-protective measures, addictions, beliefs, and relationships that no longer serve my highest good, and the toxins they create in my body.  I also stated my willingness to receive healing, love, abundance, health, creativity and motivation and expressed my gratitude to the Universe and to Marlene for the opportunity to cleanse my energy fields.  I did a tapping session that evening, then placed the letter next to my bed under a chunk of amethyst and rose quartz.

During the session I felt big, cold goosebumps running up my right side, from the top of my foot to the top of my head, twice.  I also had some pain and discomfort in my lower back (sharp, stabbing, burning) and in my pelvic region (ache with a few pin prick type spasms).  It really did seem like we were in a time warp  😉  I felt like it had been going on for SUCH a long time and when I checked the clock only 16 minutes had passed.  I fell asleep after that and woke up 2 hours later feeling peaceful and much lighter.  For the next 3 days, I woke up with joint pain in my hips and lower back, but it’s dissipated now.  I drank a lot of water and remembered to express gratitude for my healing every time I thought of it.

I have had some interesting experiences since then regarding my judgment of other people, my own self-worth, and my sexuality.  It seems like it’s all been back-feeding and circling back around on itself, giving me insights to how I have operated in the past and I’ve had several synchronicities show up in conversations and events since then.  I feel like the past is honestly in the past, except as a mile marker now.  I feel much lighter and less attached to the outcomes of any of the problems that have been plaguing me lately and not as attached to my ‘story’, if that makes any sense.  I feel less a victim and more an explorer now.  There have been so many more REAL moments for me in the last 9 days than I can remember in the last several months, I feel clear and open and receptive, and very, very grateful for the peace that brings me.  I recommend her healing sessions to anyone with any issues they’re trying to overcome.

Thank you so much for what you do, Marlene.

∞  I went on a second first date last week with a boy I dated 17 years ago.  I ran into him at the county fair, it was the 2nd time this year and he asked me out again.  It took awhile to figure out what we were going to do on our outing, but we finally decided to go for a drive and that turned into lunch in a small mountain town about 3 hours away.  As soon as we cemented the plans I got pretty nervous and told him so.  I got back a text that said, “Sweet dreams, don’t worry about Monday.”  I did anyway.  6 hours in a car is a long time to spend with someone you haven’t seen in 17 years.  What would we talk about for that long?  I was glad we’d be driving, at least we’d have something to look at instead of staring at each other over a table in a restaurant somewhere trying to figure out what to say.  As it turned out he was right, I needn’t have worried.

I got up early and took a shower, did my chores and headed out to meet him.  Gorgeous day, little overcast.  Drove right to his place without a problem.  We decided to take my car (because it’s cool), and I let him drive (because he’s the man).  First thing he did was top off the tank.  Thumbs up.  We tried to find a Starbucks because I didn’t sleep much the night before but we didn’t see one so we kept going.  The conversation up the canyon was good; cars, racing, relationships, marriage, experience, a few spiritual experiences shared.  I noticed he smiles alot and his eyes smile too.  He’s compassionate and kind and he has wonderful laugh lines.  I like looking at him.  He listened to me and I felt like he heard me too, because he asked questions and empathized with what I was expressing.  Couldn’t believe how fast we got there.   Halfway up the canyon it was absolutely beautiful, big blue sky, warm, perfect.  Had a nice lunch in a cool cafe on the Main street in town.  More good conversation over lunch. I noticed I wasn’t nervous anymore.   After lunch we took a walk through town and looked at some antiques and for once I didn’t feel rushed.  I’m pretty sure he enjoyed it as much as I did.  Stopped in a convenience store with a gift shop and looked at some moose pajamas while he was looking for a real estate book.  He caught me looking and bought me a shirt (unexpected warm fuzzy), for experimental purposes {inside joke}.  Drove out of town talking and taking pictures and he thanked me.  Thanked me.  For the day, and the company, and the therapy of driving a really fun car in the mountains.  Gratitude.  I was touched.

We stopped at a rest stop and took some pictures and then stopped again at a lake down the road.  We walked down to the water and I took my shoes off and stood on the sharp rocks enjoying the cool.  Took a few ‘hippie” pictures of driftwood and wildflowers and he took some of the lake.  I told him I wanted to take home a rock to commemorate the day.  He helped me look and he found a good one.  Said it was our ‘friendship rock’ and gave me a squeeze.  I liked that a lot, the rock AND the squeeze. More warm fuzzies.

Got back in Paisley and drove down the mountain.  I don’t know that Paisley has ever enjoyed herself more, he drove her really well for someone who doesn’t drive ‘Mustakes’.  He liked her too and was surprised that she handles so well.  Got back to his place late afternoon and helped him hook up a printer and update some drivers on his machine.  Met his dad.  Spent some time out in the yard talking and he thanked me again for being there, then he took me to dinner at a really nifty bbq place in town and we had a beer.

After dinner he didn’t want to go home yet so we drove around and checked out the farm, the fields they farm, the house he’s thinking of renting, their shop, several houses he used to live in.  I told him I’d like a sunflower out of one of those fields.  He got right out and picked me one (extra points).  Brought it back to the car, set it in my lap.  It was gorgeous.  He said when that one wears out he’ll get me another.  We drove on.  Turned up one road and I couldn’t believe it.  I had stopped there the week before and taken pictures of that very same field of sunflowers.  His sunflowers.  He said, “See, we’re more connected that you think.”  Heart flipped and my eyes opened wide.  He speaks my language too.  Now he’s got my full attention.

Down the road from there was a house he thought I’d recognize and I did.  It was the house he lived in when I went out with him the first time.  Went there to watch movies, drink beer and eat pizza 17 years ago.  He’d  told me to bring my roommate so she could keep his roommate company.  I did.  They’ve been married 15 years last week.  I remember what I was wearing that night.  Surreal.

He stopped at a lake.  It’s the lake Bruce Willis drove his snowmobile into in Die Hard.  Apparently they never recovered it.  He said “I thought we’d take a walk around the lake, maybe”.  Shock and awe.  Who IS this guy?!  The moon was full.  He walked off for a minute and I sat there staring at the sky wondering how this date could get any better.  We stood at the edge of the water and tried to get some shots of the lights across the way on the lake but it didn’t work.  We walked for a while, the brush got deep so we came back and sat on a picnic table near the water.  I rubbed his shoulders a little while and then he pointed out something white out on the lake.  It was a swan moving around out there.  Too cool.  Swans symbolize self-transformation, creativity, intuition, sensitivity, love, purity, chance, beauty, longevity, grace, harmony, loyalty, the soul.  They mate for life.

Mosquitoes were eating him so we left.  Came to a turnoff with a grain elevator on the corner.  He asked me if I remembered that place and it felt really familiar but I couldn’t figure out why.  He said I spent a day with him once delivering barley there in a truck.  Still don’t remember that but it feels true and he knew what I was wearing… excellent memory.

We got back to his place around 10:00.  I told him thank you for the incredible day and told him the sunflower and rock were gonna be hard to beat.  He laughed.  He invited me in to watch a movie.  Went upstairs and laid side by side on the bed, holding hands and made it through a good half of Ghost Rider.  I was sleepy and happy and content and could have fallen asleep right there, but I didn’t.  At some point this man began to slowly and lightly caress my jaw line, my face, my hair, my neck, my mouth with his free hand.  I can’t remember ever being touched that way, at least not for long enough to notice.  Whatever wasn’t melted by the other events of the day didn’t waste any time softening up.  I was awestruck by how good it felt to be touched that way.  It made my breath shallow,  made me completely unaware of anything else but the way his fingers felt tracing my skin.  I was afraid to move for fear he would stop.  When I finally did, I glanced up at him and he was watching me.  Don’t know for how long, he surprised me and I looked away.  He didn’t.  He looked me right in the eyes for the longest time and then he kissed me, really kissed me,  took my face in both hands and kissed me deeply, like he meant it.  That was maybe the best kiss ever.  And when he did it all came back, I remembered kissing him before, all those years ago, his taste, his sweet smell, like earth and fire and sunflowers and I wished I could remember why I ever stopped kissing him.

I don’t know how much divine planning went into last Monday.  I don’t know which stars lined up just right, not sure why Mercury took that day off his retrograde pattern and I don’t know who to thank, specifically, for everything that happened so organically, but I can tell you for certain that I will never forget it.  There were more ‘moments’ in that one day for me than I can recall over the last several years put together and I’m profoundly grateful for the experience.  That day fed my soul like no other and on too many levels to count.  It was the mirror of my ideal day, I just didn’t know it til it happened.

To my date – Thank You-  from the bottom of my heart for giving me back my sense of value, wonder and appreciation for all that is good in the world, including myself and you.  Thank you for making me feel young and alive and desirable.  You have no idea what you’ve unlocked in me. You’ll be remembered fondly for the rest of my life for your part in this.  I couldn’t have custom ordered a better first date.

Namaste,  my friend, and thank you for the rock  ∞ E

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