Tag Archive: Truth


Oil & Water

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the center of someone’s world, but if that’s what you want, don’t choose someone with an expanded view and experience of the world and expect them to limit themselves to the space you take up in it.

I am through being anyone’s exotic pet. There are women out there who would be more than happy to play house and orbit around you and make your needs and the relationship their sole focus and source of everything – but I’m not that woman. If you don’t or can’t get that, be honest with both of us and walk away instead of trying to cram me into the ridiculous box of relationship expectations you keep dragging with you everywhere you go. Your expectation of me has no basis in my experience of reality. I have no obligation to be what you want me to be. Your ‘investment’ in me does not deed you my heart. We’re speaking different languages, coming from different places, and you trying to wrestle/manipulate me into submission is not going to give you the result you desire. I’m choosing to leave this because I know better than to beat my head against a brick wall.  I don’t need to justify my truth. 

I care about you very much.  I want you to succeed and be satisfied in life, I want you to know Love.  Please, find someone who wants the same things you want, be happy, move on. I’ll be happy for you. You’ll be happier. The reason you’re miserable is that you’re resisting the truth… just stop. It’s not personal, it just IS. Oil and water don’t mix.

Blessing you and your journey and moving on. 

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I know no one likes to hurt.

Emotional pain is uncomfortable, overwhelming, debilitating and exhausting.  Everyone deals with it differently.  Some repress or deny, some vocalize and cry, some try to bury themselves in work or activities or other relationships, numbing themselves until the majority of it passes, or get angry and shut down emotionally.  Regardless of how you handle it, pain doesn’t just vanish.  If you don’t deal with it in a constructive manner, eventually it’s going to come back to bite you, either in your relationships or your health.

I’m no expert, but I’m no stranger to pain.  I’ve spent a lot of time and energy fending it off in various ways and I’ve come to realize that the best way for me to deal is to confront it directly.  You’re already hurting right?  It hasn’t killed you in the past, correct?  So, if you’re wallowing in doom or despair, my suggestion is to take it one step further and marinade in it.  Not forever, just for now.  Find out the real reasons for your distress by following the pain to its source.  I promise you, if you go down that rabbit hole you won’t get stuck there.  You can get out of the pool any time you want.  You can even take several short dips, whenever you’re feeling strong enough.

Many times emotional hurt manifests physically as sensation in the body.  Get comfortable wherever you are, breathe deeply and feel into your body until you find it.  Is it in the pit of your stomach, your heart, your shoulders, your head?  What does it feel like?  Does it feel like weight, static, anxiety, pressure, pain?  If it’s pain, what are its characteristics?  Is it sharp, dull, pounding?  Constant or intermittent?  Does it feel like a combination of things?  Does it feel familiar to you?  Sit with it, breathe and channel  your breath to that part of your body.  It’s a physical acknowledgment to your being that you’re consciously nurturing the part of you that’s hurting.

While you’re breathing, search your memory for another time in your life when you felt the same or a similar sense of dis-ease.  Is your current situation triggering a memory and mirroring an old emotional or physical response?  Is this response appropriate to your current situation or does it just feel like a replay of a bad dream?  If you feel like someone ‘did this TO you’, is that accurate, or did you have an expectation that they didn’t meet?  Are you taking something personal that isn’t?  If your situation triggers anxiety or fear, where does that come from?  Try and remember what’s caused you anxiety or fear in the past.  Follow the feeling to find out why it made you anxious or fearful.

At the core of the emotion is something you believe about yourself, see if you can identify it.  Do you, in your core, believe that you are unlovable, unsafe, unworthy, worthless or something else?  Go to the source of that belief.  Remember who you were as a child, as a young adult, or a partner.  Relive having your feelings negated, being humiliated, being jilted by a lover, feeling abandoned when someone you depended on left or died.  Feel into the loss, the hopelessness, the regret, the fear again with compassion for the person you were then.  Forgive yourself, then and now, for doing the wrong thing, being afraid, being helpless or weak, not knowing better, not sticking up for yourself, not knowing how to react.

We all find it easy to empathize with others, but we rarely cut ourselves any slack.  Learn to have compassion for yourself and your own tough life experiences as if you were your own friend.  Half of our problem is that we’ve judged ourselves so harshly in memory that our psyche (the culmination of all that we’ve experienced that’s held in our memory) doesn’t trust our mind to make the right choices for us.  We think that familiar sinking feeling means we’ve blown it – AGAIN – and are going to have to relive the same situation.  But oftentimes the reason we attract the same seemingly habitual, painful experiences is because we’re not yet aware of what in US needs to be seen, heard, and acknowledged and sometimes accepted or forgiven.  Once that work is done, the psyche can release the need to keep re-experiencing those patterns.

We don’t have the power to change the past, but we can learn from it and move into a better experience by releasing old pain.  It’s well worth the time and effort.  If you’re already feeling hurt, you owe it to your future to find out why.  Empathize with that child you were, or the wife or son or daughter you were.  Forgive the people and circumstances that caused that pain if you can, but definitely forgive YOURSELF.  No one has all the answers.  We’re all here clumsily making our way through life and its myriad of curve balls.  We’re here to make mistakes, it’s all part of the process.  Cry it out, talk it out (even to yourself), write it out, and BE KIND to yourself in the process.  When you get out of the pool, you’ll have discharged a lot of residual negative emotion, you’ll feel calmer, and you’ll have a new respect for yourself and how far you’ve come.

To your Future with Love,

∞E

I’ve recently been checking out the Online Dating thing and I’ve gotta tell ya…it’s way tougher than it seems.  Big kudos to anyone with the huevos to put their heart out there looking for love.  I applaud you.

That being said, there are very few men that I’ve considered getting to know, based on their profiles and I’d like to offer up some advice to those who are actually in search of a woman of substance and integrity and not just a  good time.  Nothing wrong with that, but if your relationships are lacking meaning and depth and you’re actually wanting a soul connection, you’re gonna have to clean it up and get real.

  • Your Pictures – You may see this as shallow, but it’s the first visual contact we have with you.  Mugshots aren’t cool and unfortunately, those pics taken with your webcam are distracting.  Your food processor on the shelf behind you may tell us something interesting, but your laundry is something entirely different.  Do you have a friend?  Maybe one with a digital camera?  Give us a recent shot of you smiling for the main.  To coin a phrase from a friend, “We all looked better five to ten years ago, you’re just setting yourself up for rejection.” Show us you doing something you love, enjoying time out with your friends, something serious, something funny or interesting, you and your kids if you have them, your tats or toys for the rest.  We want to know who you ARE, not just what you look like late at night while you’re surfing the web.  You boys in cowboy hats, throw some shape on that thing after you dig it out of the back of your closet and before you present yourself in it online, you look like a goober.  We know the difference.
  • Your Interests-BUZZWORDS, yep I said it – use them!  Conservative, liberal, political, religious, spirituality, geo-caching, home improvement, your kids, movies, books, technology, leather, photography, psychic, philosophy, sailing, history, time-travel, skiing, climbing, self-help, motorcycles, cross-dressing, dogs, volunteering, coffee, causes, tattoos, chain mail armor, road trips, sushi, horror flicks, spelunking, working on cars.  Anything that you’re passionate about, put it out there so it shows up in a search.  The key is commonality.  If we can’t find you, we don’t know if there’s something there to work with or not.
  • Your Profile – I don’t like it anymore than you do, but technically this is your resume to the world of women.    State your intent.  Honestly.  If you’re looking to be the man next to one of us at the end of the day, tell us why that’s a good idea.  What are your strengths?  Weaknesses?  Passions?  What makes you pay attention to a particular type of woman and what type is she?  This is an exercise in asking the Universe for what you want in a relationship.  Half-assed profiles are going to get you half-assed results.  Get clear on who that girl is that you want and then tell us what that means.  Tell us what about you compliments that woman, so we get a picture in our heads and can decide whether we’re interested or not.  What do you do with your time?  What gives you joy?  Why?  Are you sensitive?  Strong?  If you want someone who’s not afraid to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, say so.  If you’re looking for a hippie chick, a good mom, someone who likes to read poetry by the fire, dominatrix,grandma, ball-busting business partner, conspiracy theorist, roller derby queen, big boobs, Buddhist…PUT IT OUT THERE.  Don’t compromise yourself by settling for any old pretty face.  Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t fluff it up to fill space.  You are perfectly acceptable and interesting just the way you are.  Dig deep and be REAL.  Someone out there is going to recognize and appreciate that, IF she can see what you’re about.  If you don’t write well, ask someone to help you present yourself, someone who knows and appreciates the person you are and is familiar with your strong points.  Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, other men are not looking at your profile.
  • Your Updates – If you think of something you want to add, do it.  What’s on there is not set in stone.  People change, find new interests, change their minds.  Be current.
  • First Contact – Get to the point.  Tell us what it is you find interesting or attractive about us or our profile and give us some feedback about who YOU are.  I know I’m cute, what else?  If you have a gut feeling about someone but their profile is vague, act on it-but be specific about what you’re asking and don’t expect too much.  Quit trying so hard to be what we want.  Be who YOU are.  If your message is gushing about all the things we have in common and how we’re ‘The One’ for you, that’s a little freaky coming from someone we’ve never MET.  Cool your jets, Hoss.   Start a dialogue with something relevant.  If we feel it, we’ll respond.  Period.  I don’t want 4 emails telling me how much you like my hair, or agreeing with *everything* I said in my profile, or sappy crap about staring into my eyes for hours (CREEPY!), or asking me if I like to wear thongs.  You wouldn’t say that to someone you just met in person, would you?  Would you like it if all we were interested in was your IRA and an accurate measurement of your penis?
  • First date – Cripes!  Keep it simple!  Meet somewhere quiet and public and bring separate cars.  That way if she smells like a walrus or has a nicer mustache than yours, you can beat feet when you’re through with your coffee.  No long drives together, no helicopter (or ambulance) rides, no expensive dinners, no overnight trips to Vegas, no concerts.  Two people, exchanging ideas and eye contact and hopefully getting a better feel for each other than they did online.  Keep your expectations low, she’s just a human being, like you.  You’re out less than ten bucks and if you want to extend the date to something else, you can.  If she wants to see you again, it’s going to be very apparent.  You can plan the Costa Rican zipline tour for the next date after you’ve established that you like each other.
  • Finally, don’t be discouraged.  Things don’t always happen over night.  There is a huge ratio of men to women on these sites, sad but true.  We pretty much get to pick and choose who we want to give the time of day to.  We don’t always have time to answer all your emails in a day, or determine if there’s an interest, and many people are uncomfortable with outright rejection because they are sensitive to your feelings.  Don’t take it personally.  Make yourself seen, make yourself heard and leave the rest up to the Universe’s timing.  Enjoy the process of getting to know someone, savor the good stuff and don’t stress about the rest.  Everyone in your life is there for a reason, you don’t want to fill it with junk that’s not worthy of you anyway.  Use the time in between to get to know yourself and take care of YOU.  There’s nothing unlovable or unattractive about the person you are, it just takes the right woman to appreciate what you bring to the table and she’s worth waiting for.

∞E

∞  I went on a second first date last week with a boy I dated 17 years ago.  I ran into him at the county fair, it was the 2nd time this year and he asked me out again.  It took awhile to figure out what we were going to do on our outing, but we finally decided to go for a drive and that turned into lunch in a small mountain town about 3 hours away.  As soon as we cemented the plans I got pretty nervous and told him so.  I got back a text that said, “Sweet dreams, don’t worry about Monday.”  I did anyway.  6 hours in a car is a long time to spend with someone you haven’t seen in 17 years.  What would we talk about for that long?  I was glad we’d be driving, at least we’d have something to look at instead of staring at each other over a table in a restaurant somewhere trying to figure out what to say.  As it turned out he was right, I needn’t have worried.

I got up early and took a shower, did my chores and headed out to meet him.  Gorgeous day, little overcast.  Drove right to his place without a problem.  We decided to take my car (because it’s cool), and I let him drive (because he’s the man).  First thing he did was top off the tank.  Thumbs up.  We tried to find a Starbucks because I didn’t sleep much the night before but we didn’t see one so we kept going.  The conversation up the canyon was good; cars, racing, relationships, marriage, experience, a few spiritual experiences shared.  I noticed he smiles alot and his eyes smile too.  He’s compassionate and kind and he has wonderful laugh lines.  I like looking at him.  He listened to me and I felt like he heard me too, because he asked questions and empathized with what I was expressing.  Couldn’t believe how fast we got there.   Halfway up the canyon it was absolutely beautiful, big blue sky, warm, perfect.  Had a nice lunch in a cool cafe on the Main street in town.  More good conversation over lunch. I noticed I wasn’t nervous anymore.   After lunch we took a walk through town and looked at some antiques and for once I didn’t feel rushed.  I’m pretty sure he enjoyed it as much as I did.  Stopped in a convenience store with a gift shop and looked at some moose pajamas while he was looking for a real estate book.  He caught me looking and bought me a shirt (unexpected warm fuzzy), for experimental purposes {inside joke}.  Drove out of town talking and taking pictures and he thanked me.  Thanked me.  For the day, and the company, and the therapy of driving a really fun car in the mountains.  Gratitude.  I was touched.

We stopped at a rest stop and took some pictures and then stopped again at a lake down the road.  We walked down to the water and I took my shoes off and stood on the sharp rocks enjoying the cool.  Took a few ‘hippie” pictures of driftwood and wildflowers and he took some of the lake.  I told him I wanted to take home a rock to commemorate the day.  He helped me look and he found a good one.  Said it was our ‘friendship rock’ and gave me a squeeze.  I liked that a lot, the rock AND the squeeze. More warm fuzzies.

Got back in Paisley and drove down the mountain.  I don’t know that Paisley has ever enjoyed herself more, he drove her really well for someone who doesn’t drive ‘Mustakes’.  He liked her too and was surprised that she handles so well.  Got back to his place late afternoon and helped him hook up a printer and update some drivers on his machine.  Met his dad.  Spent some time out in the yard talking and he thanked me again for being there, then he took me to dinner at a really nifty bbq place in town and we had a beer.

After dinner he didn’t want to go home yet so we drove around and checked out the farm, the fields they farm, the house he’s thinking of renting, their shop, several houses he used to live in.  I told him I’d like a sunflower out of one of those fields.  He got right out and picked me one (extra points).  Brought it back to the car, set it in my lap.  It was gorgeous.  He said when that one wears out he’ll get me another.  We drove on.  Turned up one road and I couldn’t believe it.  I had stopped there the week before and taken pictures of that very same field of sunflowers.  His sunflowers.  He said, “See, we’re more connected that you think.”  Heart flipped and my eyes opened wide.  He speaks my language too.  Now he’s got my full attention.

Down the road from there was a house he thought I’d recognize and I did.  It was the house he lived in when I went out with him the first time.  Went there to watch movies, drink beer and eat pizza 17 years ago.  He’d  told me to bring my roommate so she could keep his roommate company.  I did.  They’ve been married 15 years last week.  I remember what I was wearing that night.  Surreal.

He stopped at a lake.  It’s the lake Bruce Willis drove his snowmobile into in Die Hard.  Apparently they never recovered it.  He said “I thought we’d take a walk around the lake, maybe”.  Shock and awe.  Who IS this guy?!  The moon was full.  He walked off for a minute and I sat there staring at the sky wondering how this date could get any better.  We stood at the edge of the water and tried to get some shots of the lights across the way on the lake but it didn’t work.  We walked for a while, the brush got deep so we came back and sat on a picnic table near the water.  I rubbed his shoulders a little while and then he pointed out something white out on the lake.  It was a swan moving around out there.  Too cool.  Swans symbolize self-transformation, creativity, intuition, sensitivity, love, purity, chance, beauty, longevity, grace, harmony, loyalty, the soul.  They mate for life.

Mosquitoes were eating him so we left.  Came to a turnoff with a grain elevator on the corner.  He asked me if I remembered that place and it felt really familiar but I couldn’t figure out why.  He said I spent a day with him once delivering barley there in a truck.  Still don’t remember that but it feels true and he knew what I was wearing… excellent memory.

We got back to his place around 10:00.  I told him thank you for the incredible day and told him the sunflower and rock were gonna be hard to beat.  He laughed.  He invited me in to watch a movie.  Went upstairs and laid side by side on the bed, holding hands and made it through a good half of Ghost Rider.  I was sleepy and happy and content and could have fallen asleep right there, but I didn’t.  At some point this man began to slowly and lightly caress my jaw line, my face, my hair, my neck, my mouth with his free hand.  I can’t remember ever being touched that way, at least not for long enough to notice.  Whatever wasn’t melted by the other events of the day didn’t waste any time softening up.  I was awestruck by how good it felt to be touched that way.  It made my breath shallow,  made me completely unaware of anything else but the way his fingers felt tracing my skin.  I was afraid to move for fear he would stop.  When I finally did, I glanced up at him and he was watching me.  Don’t know for how long, he surprised me and I looked away.  He didn’t.  He looked me right in the eyes for the longest time and then he kissed me, really kissed me,  took my face in both hands and kissed me deeply, like he meant it.  That was maybe the best kiss ever.  And when he did it all came back, I remembered kissing him before, all those years ago, his taste, his sweet smell, like earth and fire and sunflowers and I wished I could remember why I ever stopped kissing him.

I don’t know how much divine planning went into last Monday.  I don’t know which stars lined up just right, not sure why Mercury took that day off his retrograde pattern and I don’t know who to thank, specifically, for everything that happened so organically, but I can tell you for certain that I will never forget it.  There were more ‘moments’ in that one day for me than I can recall over the last several years put together and I’m profoundly grateful for the experience.  That day fed my soul like no other and on too many levels to count.  It was the mirror of my ideal day, I just didn’t know it til it happened.

To my date – Thank You-  from the bottom of my heart for giving me back my sense of value, wonder and appreciation for all that is good in the world, including myself and you.  Thank you for making me feel young and alive and desirable.  You have no idea what you’ve unlocked in me. You’ll be remembered fondly for the rest of my life for your part in this.  I couldn’t have custom ordered a better first date.

Namaste,  my friend, and thank you for the rock  ∞ E

There’s always some good in every situation. Look beyond the madness and trust that there’s a good reason for whatever is happening in your life (even though it sucks right now). You may not know what it is immediately (or then again you might) but if you trust that the universe has your best interests at heart, it’ll make your troubles easier to deal with and you’ll start expecting the good everywhere. When that happens, life only brings you good things.

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